Wednesday, Oct. 09, 2002/9:51 pm

school and careers

Everyone was trying to get me eat today, timidly laughing as i refused the food they were shoving in my face.

"Claire, do you want one of my sandwiches?"

"or my kit-kat?"

"you'll have to eat sometime"

You'd think this means they care but it's the sneaky expression on their faces that distracts me. I feel asthough they are testing me or something. I just refused, said i'm just never hungry at school, and looked away from them all eating their packed lunches littered with little calorie filled treats, that they are all allowed it but i'm not. I'm still fasting today.

I left soon after that and broke in my new razor blades in the loos. 7 new cuts, two of them bled alot especially, it was heavily soaking through the tissues and my school shirt is once again covered in spots of red. I needed it though, i needed to get lost in the moment as my pent up lonlieness and frustration washed out of me.

Our year had a careers evening tonight. Lots of talks about grades, college courses and how we can all reach our highest potential if we really try. Well what if your to tired of trying? To distracted by the wails in you head? and to lost of energy to sit up straight and remember to bring even a pen to school? I'm beyond pathetic, we have out mocks in december, our coursework deadline is set for after christmas, literally over half of mine is unfinished and i juat can't find the willpower to force myself to do it. I know i should make an effort, i know i shouldn't just sit back and watch it all fall away but that is whats happening. I tell myself every weekend that i will do this, and i'll do that but i never get round to it. I'm too busy puking my guts out or slicing myself up. I used to say i wanted to be a journalist, i couldn't do that now, i have no confidence at all, i wouldn't be able to talk to anyone or interview them. I wouldn't mind being a writer but i don't think i'm good enough and it's really hard to succeed in. I can't make my mind up about anything, theres no space in my head to think about it.

I am walking along at such a slow pace, i want to pick my feet up but they seem nailed to the ground. I don't where i want to go and if i did i wouldn't know how to get there. All i see ahead of me is dire tragedy. I'm sabotaging my life before it's properly begun.