Sunday, Nov. 03, 2002/10:37 pm

small pieces of the fuller picture

My hair is falling out really badley at the moment, i keep finding handfulls of it everywhere, on my clothes, down the plughole...when i brush it i'm always left with loads caught in the hairbrush. It used to be so much thicker and have volume, now it's just limp with random static bits sticking up everywhere. My eatings terrible, yesterday i purged 10 times, by the end of it all my throat was burning and i couldn't talk properly. I'm trying to give myself a bit of a break today, managed to cut down to only one b/p. I really want to stop binging so much, and get back to fasting, i'm not really gaining too much weight because i always get rid of it all easily but i'm so sick of spending all my time just eating or with my head down the toilet. This is costing too much anyway, bulimia is expensive! With all the binge food and laxatives i buy. I ordered a takeaway yesterday again. I really need to get back some control.

Back to school tommorrow, i can't belive it. I can't believe that the week is over and i havn't even picked up a pen or written a sentence of homework. I am discusted with my idleness, the list of coursework i have to do is too long to write out here. I have my mock GCSE's in about a month, i don't know how i'm going to explain this to my teachers. What can i say? oh, yes i havn't do my coursework because i was too busy being distracted by my fucked up thoughts. I don't understand why i can't push myself to do something, anything, there is just nothing there, no determination whatsoever. I don't want to fail my exams but i'm still not doing anything about stopping that from happening.

I was sadly thinking about the leavers ball today. It's in the spring, they havn't decided the theme yet but everyones talking about it. Me and Frances have always said we'd go by horse and carraige, weve talked about what colour dresses, styles we might buy. Me, Imo and Frances, started planning all this in about year 5 or something! Pretty dumb, but i suppose it's just such a special event, seeing people for the last time, seeing how everyone arrives, some one from our school once came in a helicopter. I really don't know if i want to go now though, and thats what upset me. There are not many evening dresses with long sleeves, i will be so paranoid if i have to show my arms. Scared everyones talking about me, i'll look awful with cuts and scars all over me, i'm hideous anyway, i just don't know if i can do it. This is something i've been looking forward to for ages, it's being shattered, shattered by the terror and fear. I don't think i can let Frances down, it's not fair, but i'm just really worried about it.

I worry too much, i wish i could just do things without having to think about them, and be able to forget the things i tell myself. I'm so concerned about what people think of me, what they see when they look at me, and every stupid thing i do is almost magnified in my eyes. There is a shadow behind me, always following me and picking out my bad points, laughing and joking at my weaknesses. It never leaves me alone, not even for one minute. I can never just get up and move on, try again, or get over it, i always get stuck on things that don't even matter.