Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2002/10:39 pm

one more day in paradise

I don't really know what to say. I keep getting this block, i just find it really hard to write normally. I feel like crying, i need to cry, i want to shed these empty water droplets waiting behind my eyes. I can't though, they won't stream. Three of my school friends are online at the moment, i don't want to talk to them though, they are all blocked on msn. I know they will lecture me about not going to school, for the past two days again, *sigh* i don't know what i'm doing.

I want to fast tommorrow, i think im starting to lose this b/p craving, not sure i want to eat for a while, we'll see, i always change my mind, said i would't eat today but i did. I can never stick to things but i have to do this, i need a break from food. It's become my answer to everything, every emotion, every feeling. I'm lonely, what shall i do? eat. I'm sad, so i'll shove something in my mouth. Bored, so binge. I went to the dentist yesterday, had four teeth coated and one whitened because it had a stain. Probabley my fault, at least the dentist didn't suspect anything, like that i've been throwing up my food practically everyday for about a year and a half.

When will this stop? will it ever stop? i can't see anything changing, i just can't, i'll be like this until i die. It's becoming a struggle to keep going. I just want to end it all, i got really paranoid and suicidal the other night, i felt so close to finishing this horrible mess in one swallow. I didn't, i couldn't, scared of messing it up, if i do it i want to do it right. Also, i just couldn't shake the guilty feelings of affecting people, i never want to make them hurt, not because of me and my pathetic, selfish ways. Sometimes i just wish someone would do it for me.

I don't usually do this, but i'm going to post some lyrics here in full, i love this song, i usually lay awake for hours at night listening to it, the words are beautiful.

Vanessa Carlton, 'Paradise'

/

Once upon a year gone by

she saw herself give in

every time she closed her eyes

she saw what could have been

well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds

when covers tucked in tight

funny when the bottom drops

how she forgets to fight... to fight

-

and it's one more day in paradise

one more day in paradise

-

as darkness quickly steals the light

that shined within her eyes

she slowly swallows all her fear

and soothes her mind with lies

well all she wants and all she needs

are reasons to survive

a day in which the sun will take

her artificial light... her light

-

and it's one more day in paradise

one more day in paradise

it's one more day in paradise

one last chance to feel alright... alright

-

don't pretend to hold it in just let it out

don't pretend to hold it in just push it out

don't you try to hold it in just let it out and

don't you try to hold it in you hold it in

-

and it's one more day in paradise

one more day in paradise

it's one more day in paradise

one last chance to feel alright... alright

-

once upon a year gone by

she saw herself give in

every time she closed her eyes

she saw what could have been.

-