Sunday, Nov. 10, 2002/10:50 pm

monochrome

Everything always remains down to the same level, the same tone, a constant numbing infuriation ringing in my ears. I feel so weak. I'm living in one long, tragic funeral, it's somber and melancholy, everyone wears dull colours, it fells like i should be wearing black eyeliner and lipstick, with a veil covering my face. As if i'm mourning something, or perhaps i'm the one in the coffin. My mind is set to this gloomy mode, waiting for anything to wake me and make me feel alive. Things just seem to be pulling me down for no paticular reason at the moment. I don't even feel much anger, i'm just sad. Tears are frozen, i can't feel anything.

I was watching some of Sleepy Hollow before, i love that film, i love Christina Ricci, she's one of my favourite actresses. The setting of it reflects my mood at the moment, dark, grey and inclosed. I made a deep cut on my left arm last night, it surpised me, the pain didn't really register, i just pushed it down, the first cut i made, not reacting at all. Watching dead, as the blood droplets fell down white skin.

I want to curl up, shut my eyes and say goodbye to these feelings, these feelings that i can't label. Their destroying me from the inside, erasing all the life i ever contained. Im so frail and decrepit, like i might give way at any moment. My skin just feels numb, i don't exist, im just an illusion, a fading body with nothing inside.