Saturday, Nov. 09, 2002/4:02 pm

isolated in the dark

I'm losing count of how much i've been purging lateley, my weight went down a bit but is now going slowley up again :( It's funny how i spend so much of my time standing on the fucking scales but in the end it just means nothing. Everything inside stays the same. I always feel so heavy and out of place.

I can't concentrate very well, my blood sugar level is really high right now - 26.2 eeek it's supposed to be between 4 and 10. I really don't give a damn what i'm doing to myself, i'll regret it when i'm older though, if i damage my kidneys and liver, or go blind from poor insulin management. I'm so stupid.

I'm freezing and so exhausted. It's getting dark outside, and no one is in, i'm all alone again. The leaves are scattered along the driveway, just like autumn is supposed to be. Painted vivid oranges, browns and yellows, it's pretty. I feel as if i have no one here, no one to talk to, no one. My friends never ring me, they don't want to know what's going on. I feel selfish for saying things like this but sometimes i just want to be held, in the warmth of someones arms, someone who will be there for me no matter what. Though how can i expect anyone else to care, when i don't care at all.

I'm going to go lie on my bed, maybe try to sleep and listen to my old cd's. The ones that have been packed away in boxes, my music taste has definatey changed, but those songs remind me of when things were different and i wasn't so down all the time. When at times i felt okay, i wasn't so angry and frightened, and i hadn't pushed everyone away.