Monday, Nov. 18, 2002/10:36 pm

blah

I'm sorry i havn't been updating very much lately i've just been feeling so apart from everything, detatched, just drifting away. Things are bad, and i don't ever understand why. Saturday and Sunday were the worst. Today, we went on a school trip to some GCSE poetry conference, it was so hard to keep myself together, i just felt like screaming. At the start of the day i put on my happy face and was being all random and weird, overly, people just laughed with me. Then by the end i was so numb, all the life had just left me, on the way home i walked along blankly, trying so desperatley to force myself to make a sentence or a smile now and then, those are the times when my mask slips. I hate it how my moods change like that, and no one ever tries to talk to me, i can't bring myself out of it, i'm such a freak.

My friend said i was too skinny the other day, i don't know what to say to things like that, because i feel the complete opposite, and if i told them that they'd freak out at me, i just told him to leave it. Im glad i kept this weight off, i never thought i'd be able to. I thought it would all creep back on when i left my starvation faze and fell back into this b/p cycle, but that hasn't happened. I've kept about a stone and a half off for quite a while, only gained a few pounds, i'm 102 at the moment. It fluctuates but i hasn't been over 106 lately. I know i need to lose more, and i plan to, for now i'm not sure. It depends if i get myself into a fasting state of mind anytime soon. Not eating usually makes me completly deflated, i don't now if i'd be able to cope with that right now.

I do nothing worthwhile. I have no use, no place. I feel like an unneeded object left on a shelf with useful items, and no purpose whatsoever, other than just to sit there. Everything's so busy around me, the lights are too bright and colours glaring, people move in streams. It's asthough the video player is on fast forward. I'm watching it all from behind a screen, that seperates me, that they can't see but i know it's there. It can't be broken, and i don't try to smash through it anymore, the misty fist marks i left on the glass are long gone.