Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2002/2:17 pm

reflecting

*Copied from my paper diary*

I'm in my room hiding away, listening to music, wrapped in my duvet, trying to keep warm. The curtains are shut, it's such a mess in here. Everything is thrown everywhere. Books, magazines, clothes all over the floor. Bottles, plates, cd's and broken make-up. I can't remember when i last bothered to tidy up. I shouldn't be here, it's 12 o clock. I should be at school, working. I missed my science module exams this morning. I completly forgot about them, i hadn't revised anyway. I don't care, i never do.

I wonder where the real me went? The girl who had hopes, dreams and prospects. She felt sadness, anger, embarrasment, but she also felt happiness without guilt. I hated her, i hated the way she acted, the things she said, i've never liked myself but i hate the imposter thats taken her place even more. This thing thats smothered, suffocated me. The old me will never be back, she's gone forever and i actually miss her. I don't know what i've become, it scares me, i don't understand who i am. Just a heap of blood and tears i suppose. I can feel my stinging arm whilst i write, and my thigh, along with peeling plasters, from last night. So many cuts, so many mistakes, so much hurt.

I'm not controlling this anymore, it's all spun so far out of my reach. I can't stop, start or make rational desisions. Everything's always insanely out of view, proportion. I'm just a body, being directed by something else, something inside me, it's taken me over and just won't leave.