Friday, Nov. 22, 2002/6:42 pm

ready to let go of the last breathe

My computers broken down again. I don't know what the hell's wrong with it this time, but it's being sorted. I'm back to updating from the library for a while so will probabley be writing less. Hope everyone here is doing okay.

I'm still very numb at the moment, it feels like my body had just closed down, it's had enough and just wants to sleep. Though i have been having moments where my dead mood switches quickly to such anger, and i just want to rip everything apart, including myself. It's usually set off by a hurtful comment or look from my Mum or Brother, showing their disgust of me with no concern at all. They always say things when i'm eating like "What's the point...you'll just chuck it up anyway" and complaining i've made the house smell of sick. It makes me feel so terrible, they don't care. They make it a joke. I always deny everything and shout and scream that i'm telling the truth, even when it's so apparent i'm not. They must all really hate me, i ruin everything. Last night, after more arguments, tears, rage and despair i found myself searching frantically through the bathroom cupboard for paracetemols, enough to stop everything. I've been pretty suicidal lately, just want to give up. I never did find any pills that time though.

Schools got worse. I hardly go anymore and when i do i come home depressed and feeling even more alone. The people that are supposed to be my closest friends just don't notice me at all. It's entireley average for me to go and sit with them and be hardly spoken to, they just carry talking to each other. When i try to join into the converstation i get one worded answers, they are all so self involved. Frances only ever talks to me about herself, she hasn't asked me how i am in so long. It hurts. I hardly ever talk to Cassie anymore either.

In Science today we had a supply teacher. She was quite young, and shockingly skinny, with match-stick legs and a sunken face. I couldn't stop staring at her. On one hand i felt inspired to lose more weight straight away, and be that thin, so thin, till i rot from view, put myself through more starvartion and destruction. I also felt quite sick by it though, she looked awful. Still that didn't stop me from being jealous and craving that sort of weight. I don't know if she was anorexic or anything. I saw her eat a bageutte at lunch but her weight definatley wasn't normal. Things like this shouldn't make me think so much.

I ordered the book "Wasted" from Amazon, along with Tori Amos "Little Earthquakes" and Fiona Apple "When the Pawn" They were delivered today, I'll start reading it tonight. :) This weekend will be the same as any other i'm sure. Closing myself away, avoiding reality, living in this bubble, atleast i have new music to be alone with now. I love to get lost in the sounds and words, lie back and be absorbed by it, for a moment being able to forget everything else. It's a shame that when the cd stops i'm remember who i am, once again left in the silence.