Saturday, Nov. 23, 2002/2:57 pm

explosion

Everything blew up again last night. Mum collected me from the library and told me that my brother had gotten really angry and smashed the upstairs phone up at home. She waited till we were back to tell me why, it was because of me, and everything i do. He always smashes things up when he gets frustrated, he's turning more and more into my Dad, it's scary. Well, my Mum had found three empty laxative containers in my room, in the draw under my bed which she had no reason to go into. When i got in i was confronted by them both. They started asking when i'm planning to stop all this, why i do it and how i'm going to sort it all out. My brother said he was ashamed to have friends round, and my mum said her boyfriend wouldn't visit anymore because his ex-gf was bulimic/anorexic and he couldn't get his head round it. They wanted answers, and i have none, i think they wanted me to say "ok yeah ill stop this weekend" Don't they realise I can't??! Don't they see how hard it is for me? I lied alot to them as usual, made up some stuff that i'd been getting better lately anyway, the words "i didn't do it" or "i've done nothing" automatically come out of my mouth, it's hard to stop them, even when it's proven i have done something.

They said some really horrible things, made me feel so small, and terrified. Especially when my Mum said she is now on anti-depressents because of me, she said it was my fault that she couldn't sleep and my Brother added that he would end up at the doctors if i carry on. Basically they blame me for everything, i felt awful, still do. I also got told that Mum had read more of my private thought, things i had written on paper and tried to hide away, i hate her for doing that, nothing is ever mine. I cried, and cried, and cried. I couldn't stop. Repeating over and over that i didn't want to talk to them. When they had finished talking i ran up to my room in floods of tears.

They expect me to something, get better just like that, i can't do it, i can't. I'm so stuck, don't know what to do. I'm just going to have to work on being more discreet, i need better hiding places for things!!! I feel like such an idiot when i get found out. I'm trying to avoid them at the moment, i'm being made to tidy my room, which will take me ages. I want them to stay away, and they want me to stay away from them so it's a perfect set up.

I'm updating this diary from and internet cafe in Guildford, how desperate is that? oh well, i needed to vent. I'm so glad i have this diary, i think i might be dead by now if it wasn't for everyone here proping me up. I want to say thankyou to anyone who reads, or leaves me little sweet messages, I Love you all xxxxxxxxxx