Thursday, Nov. 28, 2002/2:29 pm

holding on

I'm still here, still breathing unfortunatley. Everythings the same as always, im somehow dragging myself through all of this, holding on. It's tense at home. As usual, i just lock myself away. I don't want anyone near me, or to even look at me, i just want to shrink from sight. Theres been alot more shouting and lies, talking about me when they think i can't hear, secrets found out then denied. My Mum keeps telling me i'm disgusting, as if i need reminding. I really don't want to be here right now, but i have nowhere else to go. I hate myself for putting them through this. All i keep saying is sorry, in the end it just becomes meaningless. I know i can't change, can't stop. As this obsession continues to damage me i need it more. Laying in a bed of nails, the sharp points dig into my back and draw pinpricks of blood, i learn to crave the pain, the self punishment. I'm so addicted to hurting myself. I won't let myself be anything better, i deserve every minute of this.

I'm trying not to eat today. I want to lose some more weight, feel huge. I need something to focus on too. I already have really low energy at the moment though, i'm dizzy, everything's spinning, and i'm nearly falling asleep whilst writing this. I havn't been keeping much down lately, not even drinks, i just can't stand it in me. I'm worn out and look terrible, pale and exhausted.

No matter how hard i try to distract myself my concience is always present in the back of my mind. Screaming that i'm a fat cow and shouldn't be eating. Telling me i'm worthless, and pathetic. I don't know any different and i probabley never will.