Friday, Dec. 20, 2002/6:40 pm

jingle bells

My computers working again, i'm so glad to have my internet back, i missed everyone alot here.

We broke up for the Christmas holidays today, i felt really awful all day and i'm not sure why, just fed up with everyone. So grateful to get a break, though i'm scared of this holiday, scared that this Christmas will be really bad. We gave out presents this morning, people exchanged hopes for a happy Christmas, i smiled, i talked, i laughed then i went home and binged on a whole packet of pasta followed by toast and lots of sweets and chocolate.

I can't believe what i did after that and how it happened but i fell asleep. My Mum came home from work and i had to wait for her to go out again to get a chance to purge so i laid down for a bit, i was so exhausted. The next thing i knew i was woken up by the phone about 40 mins later. I tried to purge but got hardly any of the pasta up, i feel like shit. Thin Dreams are once again falling from my hands like precious shards of glass which were piercing through me but giving me something to hold onto. I feel i've failed myself and i have no hope anymore. I know it's only a few pounds, i know how ridiculous i'm being, but i felt i was going somewhere this time, at my lowest weight and now it's gone. I'm still underweight, at an apparently "anorexic" BMI but it means nothing, because i'm bigger than i was before, fat. I look at the number on the scale and i wonder how can i think i'm fat, people with weights like that are skinny but i'm not, i think maybe the scale must be decieving me in some way but in truth i know it's all in my fucked up mind. I was watching people at school today, thinking is she fatter than me? the same? and i felt like crying when i saw someone i found so beautiful, so beautifully perfect, flawless and happy. I watched the most stunning girl in my year, tall and lean, eating a mars bar so contently, god i felt jealous. I wish i was beautiful. I wish somebody found me beautiful, on the inside anyway. I realised none of my friends ever tell me they love me, well unless they are drunk.

My Dad rang earlier, it was weird talking to him, i havn't seen him in ages. He's coming to take me out for lunch on Christmas Eve and give me mine and Matts money, Matt can't come though because he's working. So great were going out to eat!!! loveley ugh, i wonder if he'll notice my weightloss eeeeek i hope not. My Dad seems to always make me feel so worthless when he sees us, always caling me and my brother failures and saying were not good enough. He expects alot from us, high grades like he got, he's really disapointed in what my brothers achieved which isn't alot. I remember this one occasion really vividly when my Dad came to pick us up to take us somewhere when we were younger. He had told my brother to bring all his schoolbooks with him but Matt forgot some of them and my Dad got really angry about it. He stopped the car, threw the books my brother had brought everywhere, hit him, shouted, threatened....gave him what he calls a "good hiding" we used to get alot of them, i used to lock myself in the bathroom, scared. Let me paint you a portrait of my Dad. Have you seen the soap Eastenders? Well you know Phil Mitchell? My Dad looks, sounds and acts like him, he even has the same smile. He was made to leave home by his Mum and he hasn't spoken to her for atleast fifteen years, therefor i've never known my grandmother or my uncle either. He drinks alot, gambles alot, i think he used to hit my Mum too but i'm not so sure, she's never given me a straight answer and i was to young to really remember. The first memory i have of my Dad is the day he told us he was leaving. We were playing my brothers mega drive, sonic the hedgehog or something, and he told us my mother was kicking him out and he had to go. The day he went me and my brother screamed and cried at my mum "don't make Daddy leave" but i don't know why really, a part of me was silently relieved. Well anyway, i have to see him tuesday, i hope it's not to bad. i think he's mellowing actually. he's not as violent and agressive as he has been in the past, but we'll see hmmm.

The boiler has broken in or house, yes there is no heating and for a person who is usually freezing anyway this is bad, i am wearing layers of clothes but it seems to be making no difference. I think i'll go sleep again for a while now or listen to some Eva Cassidy, i got "songbird" from one of my friends today. She has such a beautiful voice, i could listen to it for hours. I need to try and warm up but if i get into my cosy bed i fear i won't be able to get out again :s