Sunday, Dec. 22, 2002/2:02 pm

revelations

Where is the line between feeling down and being depressed? When can you actually recognised that your depressed? I don't know, maybe i'm just being stupid, maybe everyone feels like this they just dont talk about it. I feel dead, i feel lifeless, washed out and deflated, you've heard this all before. I wonder if it's normal? Fine? I'm fine, yes i'm fine. Depressed? no of corse not, i'm not ill enough to deserve a label like that, you have to be worth something to be a sufferer of something right? I've just been thinking about it alot for some reason.

My stomach feels horrible and bloated today, too much binging. I'm trying to allow myself only one more binge today, grandually bringing it down until i can last a whole day without food. Everytime i think of food i just want to scream at someone to take me away from here and set me aside, where food can't get to me. I feel pathetic, why can't i just handle it like normal people? My life is one big confusion growing bigger everyday.

At home i've been trying just a little to make everyone think i'm okay. Just adding a few more staged smiles to my routine, it hurts to smile, it actually hurts. I don't know if anyone believes me, i'm still lazy, a family embarrasment. My mum hasn't caught me doing anything for a while, thats why i'm worried about Christmas, it's dangerous. She got a bit drunk with her best friend the other day and called my brother her "favourite baby". He took the pleasure in rubbing this in my face. We all knew it though. No matter what he does he'll always be special. I feel like i don't belong here, i'm so unwanted, they just put up with me because they have to. They hate me, i eat everything, i sulk up to my bedroom and don't come out for hours, i turn my music up to block out their voices, i shout at them if they go in my room, i look sad, i drag myself into any old clothes lying around my room, i sleep in the day and stay up reading till early morning at night, they are so ashamed of me. Even though i try to hide it i'll always be tainted, damaged goods, soiled by starvation and bulimia.

Today i told my supposed best friend Imo, the one who moved away 2-3 years ago, that i'm not as better as i made out i was. I'm not sure what came over me, i just blurted it out on the phone. I said i didn't want to lie to her anymore, that i felt bad, but that i had never stopped, and that i'd lost alot of weight. She freaked, i regret it, alot. Wish i could turn back the clock and erase that one sentence that started it "i have something i need to tell you" She said she needs to tell Frances, or atleast someone, that i need help. She wants me to get help, yes i know she cares, but i don't want this, and she won't listen. It's not her fault i know but once again i just don't trust her, i don't trust her at all. Last time she wanted to help she took me to a bloody hospital, i'm scared about what she'll do this time. I begged her not to tell Frances, said we wern't close anymore at all, that she dosn't even notice i've lost weight, she's too busy being in love. I think i'll give it a while then start feeding Imo lies again, cruel lies that make me feel so guilty. I have to though, i have to for my sake and for hers. I just wish i hadn't told her. I don't want Frances to know, she dosn't care, it's my problem and i want to deal with it, i just don't want anyone else involved. I shouldn't have told her i know, i'm just a selfish bitch burdening her with everything. I hate myself for doing that to her, i love her so much and don't want her to worry about me. No one should worry about me, ever.

People should just give up on me, some have already i guess, I gave up on myself long ago and i can't ever repair that.