Tuesday, Dec. 24, 2002/4:44 pm

Dad

I saw my Dad today, god he makes me feel awful. He took me out for a meal at a pub for about an hour, he hasn't seen me in about 5 months and he thinks taking me out for an hour and giving me �200 for Christmas will make up for it. He always paying us off. He dosn't love me, he looks at me like i'm nothing. I know i don't live up to his expectations, i'm not pretty, confident or outgoing.

He asks me if i've got a boyfriend, i blush, say no, he asks me if i have any friends, i say yes, he says i'm " a bit weird"

I'm stupid, an idiot.

I'm bony, which i took as a compliment though.

My brother is smarter than me, even though exam results have always been better than his. He just casts any of my achievments aside.

He said, he can't wait till i'm 18 when he can stop paying child matienence to my Mum, can't i grow up quicker???!!! and this is the worst one; why can't i just die now so he dosn't have to pay it anymore. Yes, my Dad told me to my face to go die. Nice huh?

I ordered lamb and vegetables for lunch, he had a sandwich thingy. It was pretty ironic. I sat there thinking he hasn't got a clue where this meal will be going when i'm finished. If he knew he's kill me. I didn't take the risk purging at the pub incase he guessed or something, so i emptyed it all away when i got to work at 2. I wish he wouldn't judge me, because he hasn't got a fucking clue whats going on. He dosn't know why i always wear long sleeves, and hold my stomach incase someone is looking at me. He dosn't know how much the things he says hurt me, how i pull the blade across my arms because i agree with it all. Why i'm always so pale, and tired. He has no idea whats going on inside my head, i hope he never finds out, never.

Sorry i'm not the daughter you wanted, Dad.

Today has given me such a headache.