Wednesday, Dec. 25, 2002/10:02 pm

Happy Christmas

Today has been hard, i'm not feeling too great as expected, the first few hours were okay, opening presents etc, but as soon as food started to make an appearance it became a struggle. I'm crying and screaming inside, i can feel it tearing my apart but i paint this smile apon my face and try to push myself through. I've purged three times already, and no one has picked up on it which i'm so thankful for. My mum gave me a lecture yesterday on how i better not embarrass her today whilst theres people here by throwing up. I still have to purge again tonight because i have just eaten. I eat so much more than everyone else, they must think i'm such a greedy pig, i am, i say at the table whilst they were all watching tv sneakily trying to have more food without them noticing i was binging. I'm just so glad i was able to get rid of lunch easily.

Early this morning i did something that scared me as well as making me feel so disgusting, degraded and utterly desperate. It was about 2 o clock am and everyone was off to bed, but i stayed downstairs because i can never sleep properly so i don't really see the point in trying too hard. I sleep in the day but not much at night, it's weird. I started to binge, on anything and everything, trying to stay away from most of the Christmas food for today. I had a load of sandwiches, crisps, dip, cereal....then i decided i'd have to purge in a bag in my room because i didn't want to wake anyone by going in the bathroom. When i got upstairs it was so quiet, i just couldn't get rid of the filth that lay inside me up there, thinking someone would hear me. So i went downstairs, whilst everyone was sleeping, at about 3 o clock and purged into a bag on my living room floor. I then left the house silently and took the bag down to the woods to discard of. It was so dark out, Christmas lights twinkled on house windows and porches, curtains were shut with not a light on in sight. I felt so alone at that moment, thinking there is no one in the world who would understand. Walking down the street only hearing the noise of my breathe and the step of my feet, it was as if no one else ever existed. I looked up at the sky, and i just wanted to float away, escape, run into the night, rest apon a cloud. I wanted to be somewhere better, i need to be shown that there is anything better, and that things will ever be any different, i can't see anything changing.

I got back home and went to bed, it took me another hour atleast to drift off. After stooping that low, just to repeat the hell i go through day after day, i know i'm completely powerless to help myself. I can't keep food in me, I don't see how people can do it, i don't see how i'll ever be able to eat normally again. I realised how this eating disorder has taken over my life, how it controls every part of me, every motion, every thought, it's smothered who i used to be, i'm unhuman, i'm just a walking illness, not a person anymore, my whole self is dominated by bulimia.

Everythings changed so much this year, i am a completley different person, so broken inside. Christmas has become a nightmare, food is my center of everything. I'm frightened of my future, what the next year will bring. I don't know how bad this can get before i can't take it anymore. I can't stop myself from veering downhill, i wonder what lays at the bottom of the slope. I think i know how tonight will end, with slashes across my arms, trying to block away the memories, trying to bleed away this self hatred and hurt.

Happy Christmas everyone, i hope you've all had a beter day than i have. xoxoxox