Friday, Dec. 27, 2002/8:22 pm

the usual

Everyone notices i'm eating loads. I'm so ashamed. I keep getting comments, from my Mum especially, shes shouts at me for being "greedy" and leaving nothing for anyone else.

I feel so selfish, binging and purging has become everything, the thing i just need to do no matter what the consequences are. I break down when the thoughts come into my head, knowing i will give in to the temptation. I binge uncontrolled fully knowing it will be hard to be able to purge. Then i have to find away to get rid of it all, no matter what, i always have to find a way.

The numbers are going up, becoming heavier and heavier. I really need to try and lose it again before school. I've let it slip, and now i can't be bothered to pick it up again. I will though, in time, i better anyway.

Went shopping today in the sales, with my brothers Girlfriend, Kayleigh. I actually tried to pick myself up off the ground and play 'normal' for a while. It was okay actually, i usually hate Clothes shopping now but today wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, i'm sure it won't last. I brought a jacket, underwear, a video, cd and some make-up. I'm working all weekend, tommorrow and Sunday. I could try to change habits, and fast for a couple of days, but in my mind i know i probabley won't be able to do it right now. I hate how my weight goes up and down, and i can see there is no point to it but i don't stop, i hate it how i crave to be thin but stil i can't stop eating, i've become lazy with purging too, leaving it later and later after binging, more calories being absorbed as the time goes on.

These habit takes up so much energy, so much effort and thought. Always with me, it never goes away, a grey cloud absorbing the light wherever i go, no matter how much i act over it. It's although it's been branded into my skin, with hot metal, a bright red mark with twisted skin, to claim ownership.

It has a hold over me, and i know it, it's deteriorating my body, my mind, my actions, everything i used to be. My desisons always swing in the wrong direction, but somehow it feels like how it's supposed to be, for someone like me. Though i cling onto it just the same, i let it suck away all the life i contain, i don't fight, not anymore, i can't. It's all so ordinary to me now.