Sunday, Dec. 29, 2002/10:46 pm

alone again

I'm crying. listening to blaring music and trying to still my shaking hands wandering over this keyboard. I hate this life, i hate myself so much, every moment of everyday. 5 purges today, to me that isn't even bad anymore, it's average. I ordered takeaway tonight, �14 worth of it, just to flush it away with this guilt. I'm so stupid, so fucking stupid, spending my money on food again, it's so pointless, and i can't stop myself. When the thoughts of a binge come into my head i don't reason over it. i just think that i may as well get it over and done with because i know the rational voice in me will surrender in the end. No one is here but me, they are never here much anymore, they are probabley trying to get away from me. I'm disgusting, so disgusting, everyone must think so, i'm so sick in the head, i just don't know what i'm doing anymore, i'm messing myself up so much. When my food was delivered tonight, i put on loads of lights in the house, my brothers and my mums, trying to give the pizzaman the impression there was other people in. As if it makes a difference, he could probabley tell anyway, it feels like BULIMIC is scrawled all over me in red permenant pen.

After binging and purging over and over i ended up with low sugar levels. I didn't even have to test my blood i've been really dizzy, felt about to pass out but of corse i had to purge again before sorting it out. I finished off the lucozade, the last bottle, i know i'm going to be running low all night now, i don't know what i'm going to do, ill probabley end up eating spoonfulls of sugar from the sugarbowl at 5 in the morning. Some of the drink came up in my mouth too, my body seems to be so used to me purging, it can't cope very well with anything i try to keep inside me, no matter how small, i always get bad stomach pains when i have to keep any food down. I wish i wasn't diabetic, it ruins everything, and it means i'm damaging myself so much more. I know how dangerous it is, not taking eating properly or taking my insulin injections like i should do. I either overdose on it or take barely any. I'm supposed to take two measured doses a day, my mum is oblivious to the fact i havn't for a year and a half, when i started doing everything wrong. People have told me the risks, I have read the warnings about eating disordered diabetics, ending up with packed in livers, kidneys, becoming blind and losing limbs... My legs always get really bad cramps, i can wake up in the night in agony from it, it's a sign of poorly managed diabetes. I can say all this but what am i going to do about it? Nothing, i can't, no matter how hard it gets i have no self worth, nothing to convince me to stop, or calm down a little. I can end up lying on my bed watching dots infront of my eyes, unable to stand properly, swear i won't end up like that again, then the next day the routine starts again, a never ending circle, whilst i try to kid myself it isn't happening.

I weighed myself properly today, and found i hadn't gained as much as i actually thought, I always percieve myself weighing more than i do after yet another crazy b/p stage. I'm not happy with it though, not at all, putting on any weight makes me feel like such a failure, i need to lose again, i really do. I've been struggling to escape from this phase for a while, it's so hard, it scares me, it's the worst binging i've done ever. I will really try to fast tommorrow, try my hardest to stay away from food. Right now i don't want it anywhere near me, the ice-cream tub sitting next to me is making me feel sick.

I'm not crying anymore, it was only a few tears, all i'm able to shed. I want to sob until the tensions gone but it won't happen. I don't want to be alone right now, i don't want my family here but i don't want to be alone. I breathe a sigh of relief when they leave the house but inside i feel like they're leaving me in the water to drown. I want someone with me, but someone that cares, that won't leave me, someone who will teach me it's okay to cry. No one ever responds to my distant pleas, little hints i make to friends, that maybe i need them more than they think, are so unoticed. For once, just once i wish one of them would hug me and tell me they will be with me all the way through this. I don't know how much longer i can hold it all inside, i fear i'll crack, and spill everything.

I feel low again, damnit, i don't want to eat anything bulky, it's pointless, ill end up chucking it up and making everything worse. I guess it's off to the sugarbowl then, ugh, hate it, hate me.