Monday, Dec. 30, 2002/8:35 pm

unsuccessful

Failure.

I made it to half past six without eating.

The my mum came home with bags full of food.

In my head i knew i didn't even want anything, but my voice said another thing as i asked what i could have for dinner.

I felt like an alcoholic being given a bottle of vodka.

If it's there i have to have it.

Whilst i was eating i was thinking back to what i wrote in here yesterday about how i was really going to try to fast today, i feel so ashamed and fake.

I'm not determined with anything anymore, i can never tell what i'm about to do next.

One binge, thats it for today, it has to be, i atleast want to cut down. Losing a bit more weight again, making sure i purge everything, until i taste acid an feel light headed .

I've been invited to a New years eve party tommorrow night. I don't know if i want to go, they'll be lots of people there. I think theres going to be alcohol but not too much, not enough to get drunk. Maybe if i knew i could escape from everything with drink for a couple of hours it would be better, though i always end up a complete mess when i'm drunk so maybe not. I'm so paranoid about people looking and talking about me lately. Last week i was told a group of people in my year were discussing me at another party i didn't go to, they were saying i was really skinny, looked half dead and that they just didn't understand it.

I don't expect them too.

It really affects me when i know people have been saying things about me, i can't stop thinking about it, and what people must think of me. I'm worried about going to the party but also worried of not going, because i know i'll be home alone again and that never turns out well.

Every option i have presents me with problems, i get scared too easily, i think to much.

My body feels numb, like having constant pins and needles. I'm in a fazy, out of it mood again.

I need to sleep.