I'm trying to live.

As difficult as it is, i am pushing myself forward. Accepting invitations with a low 'yes', or 'okay', forcing out the words before i can swallow them back down again. Playing normal, keep your head up, don't look away, don't look towards the ground, wake up Claire WAKE UP.

I am all too aware of my figure, dragging this dead weight behind me, there is only so much doubt i can block out. At a gig, standing on the sidelines, watching my crush, the bassist in his band. He looked towards me and smiled, but i convinced myself he was staring beyond to someone behind. Sometimes i want to scream down the music, slice a shattering yell through the noise. I'm forever wondering, do they know? Can they see through this rotten shell? Do they notice the stitch lines, the stretches of selotape and sticky glue holding my pieces together?

I went to see Frances today, she wanted to take some pictures of me for her photography project. In different poses, looking wistful and through the windows. I really don't know why, i am ugly, there are so many people with pretty faces, capable of achieving model posture, and yet she chose me. I felt so awkward, so self conscious. Although, i know that a year ago i probably would not have even agreed.

After getting my passport photos processed i almost cried. They are hideous, my face is enormous, cheeks full and chubby, and yet, my skin still so pale, as white as a ghost.

This continual whining has become so boring, i am sorry.

I just don't understand how people manage, get up each day, function without punishment. How can they walk by a mirror and not be obsessed with the reflection? But, of course they are better than i am. I am never going to be able to accept myself, ever. I'm always left with such intense disgust, when faced with her, the feeble shadow of a girl i used to be, with drowsy eyes and hair falling out by the handful. She repulses me.

When i am home, the routine is as usual. One week of the easter holidays has passed, and now another to go. Eating, purging, scale results remaining much the same. Money issues are are improving slightly, i am nearing my fourth day without spending. I almost slipped tonight, craving chocolate and sugar, glazed doghnuts with sprinkles and iced cupcakes. I was just too exhausted to walk, in the dark, to lug back a bag full of groceries i wouldn't really want. I've been reading alot, burying my head in a flurry of different stories. It helps sometimes. I can't believe i've let my bmi jump up this much, it has left me so frustrated and angry, although i have come to realise that it won't make any difference if i lose. Not really. I have to try and stay as healthy as i can, my one motive being this summer.

I am going to America to stay with my darling Gwennie for three weeks. Leaving from london on the 18th of July, just a couple of days after i end college for the year. I am so so excited, we have been imagining this for so long, and it is finally going to happen! It's all booked and confirmed. I can't wait to give her the hug she deserves, to talk to her in person, someone who truly understands and knows me inside and out. I just hope she will like me, i can't shake away the fear that she won't.

I cannot throw up there, i can't starve myself either, i have to eat. I can't justify it for my own sake, sadly it won't be because i feel i need the break, but Gwen is in recovery and i would never forgive myself if i dragged her back down, even without meaning to.

It will be so refreshing to be able to say that i did something good this year, that aside from the binging, being sick, lonely and sad, i went to LA and met Gwen, and had the most wonderful trip.