Last night, it started with a mouthful of cottage cheese, and a diet yoghurt. About 90 calories i can cope with, it will be okay, won't it? But i still felt hungry, so what about just a bit more? Surely that wouldn't hurt? I then carried on to finish the tub of cottage cheese, mixed with a few prawns and some sliced apple. I don't know when i overstepped the line, or how, it could have been with the first subtle taste, but feeling the slight round of my stomach sent me into panic. Oh god, no, toomuchtoomuch, that could be 300 calories, or more!! What have i done? Again. Your already fat. And this wasn't supposed to happen, i was supposed to be keeping this down, for a while there it was healthy, safe. But the moment has passed, and i can't hold on.

I rush down to the kitchen, raid the fridge, listening to the buzz of the microwave as cheese and butter melts, the clink of cutlery as i spread toast with different toppings, dropping it all onto the plate in a greasy pile. After in a silent dash back up to my room, i quickly shut the door behind me, relieved. Then i eat and eat and eat, blotting away reality with each bite. Away to the bathroom i go, and out it comes, in a matter of seconds. Another headache pounding through my skull, disgust, and regret. So simple and yet so damaging.

Will it ever get any easier?

This is horrible. I feel horrible. I want so much to stop this, to find some stability, but, it just isn't working.

I'm not sleeping. Staying up to two or three am, sometimes even four, using the television or a book as a distraction, when really i am there for only one purpose, to binge. Spoon in hand, scooping up cereal or ice cream, a blur to break through the numb droning sound in my head. I then lie in till late the next day, stiring around midday, breath ripe with the taste of ketones.

I'm not okay with this weight. I will never be. I am trying to accept it but, i can't help it, deep down i always want to lose. Even if i don't admit it to myself, i still try without even thinking about it. Of course, if i didn't want to lose i would not be throwing up, if i wasn't striving for less i wouldn't be so bothered about the number on the scale. I can't let myself have that freedom. I asked Mum to replace the battery this morning so i could check myself, and she hasn't. I've remined her again three times, and i know the anxiety is starting to show. I didn't want this, i want to seem okay, asured, well, fine.

My stomach feels winded, clenched in a knot of distress, but i have just emptied my inside out, that is all.

College starts again on Monday, i don't even want to think about it. I keep being caught up in other people's melodrama, i guess it serves as a difference from the sickness inside. Frances and her problems...relationships, stuck between the loves of many...dramadramadrama. God, i'm such an awful friend to talk like this, she does mean the world to me. I am there for her always, listening, telling her she needs a break from them all, but sometimes i really want to scream. Especially when she talks about being absorbed in a 'dark cloud' as she contemplates choosing between the affections of two guys. But i comfort her, give her online hugs and try to say all the right things, because she is more important than i am, she is everything and i am nothing. After logging off of msn i binge and purge again until tears are streaming down my face and my heart is jumping out of my chest. She'll never know, nobody ever will.

I just want to fall asleep. I'm so confused, i'm sorry for rambling. I can't write anymore, i'm just so useless. What is wrong with me? I'm shaking and need to stop typing.