My head hurts,
i have an absess in my gum.
I am tired. Depressed. Desperate. Dizzy.

Caught in the mist of these clouds, breathless, swarms of clustered stars surround me against a nights sky. So, so beautiful.

I wish i was beautiful. But i am so far from that. I am ugly. My mouth is too small and legs too short, waist too fat. A broken image.

"You'd look so much prettier if you would smile" I am trying, really i am, but it hurts.
My energy is already chanelled into the eating, the puking, the scurry of hands against food packets and on to the toilet.

I ordered some ephedra but then cancelled it when i realised that it comes in a package with the words 'medication for personal use' written on it. I couldn't risk the questions. I need to find another way.

I need laxatives too.

I need to lose weight.

I'm in the supermarket, Again. I was in there yesterday. I see a friend of mine and want to cry. She glanced into my basket, and i winced inside. Tightly gathering myself together, hold it in Claire, hold it in, They cannot be witness to the pain. I am Okay, Okay, Okay, Okay.

More money down the drain, but never these rotten thoughts or feelings. They never leave.

I can't think past this, can't stop, it's too much, rushing through me, holding me, covering me. I can't move, my mouth covered with tape and hands bound with tough rope.

I just signed off msn, after abandoning a message from someone, someone kind and sweet, but someone i cannot face. I don't want to speak to anyone. I feel so sad tonight.

The english literature exam on Friday was so difficult, the questions were awful and nothing i had been prepared for. Everyone came out with down turned faces, worried and more stressed than before. I am going to fail. I keep hearing "You'll be fine" and "Your great at English", but really, what if i do fail? That will be another year wasted, another year absorbed in this eating disorder.
Atleast now i have two weeks free for half term and 'study leave'.

I feel like i am standing here in the cold, and my legs want to run, run away, run as fast as i can and as far as i can before my heart gives in. But then, i also want to sit here and watch, fall into the dirt and dissolve completely, because what's the point in trying if it isn't going to help anyway? I cannot run from myself.