My thoughts keep freezing. I'm here in the dark staring at this white page, but i keep pausing, holding back. Lingering for a while as i try to get my head out from under the thick fog. Being pulled back into a trance, aware of the sound of the computer buzzing near me and the light of the monitor on my face, but caught in a scream, lost, wondering what i am doing and why i am here. It will last a few minutes and then i am back, worried i am going completely crazy.

Thursday night i got overly drunk and made a fool of myself, again. As usual i gulped from the bottle of alcohol, coughing and choking from the sharp and vile taste. By the end of the party i was being sick, resting my head against the toilet as the walls spun around me. It was no fun, but i keep doing it to myself. I was so naseous and the next morning, even Diet Coke irritated my stomach.

On Friday i went to see Tori Amos in concert and it was absolutely amazing. She was brilliant, and played my favourite song at the end 'silent all these years.' I was with Hayley. It was so good to see her again. We must meet up more often, she's so special to me, and always manages to make me smile. It was also the longest stretch of time i've gone without binging in what seems like forever, and for a moment there i felt free.

Unfortunately over the weekend i have flipped back over to the familiar routine of eating and throwing up. Spending and sleeping and pretending it isn't happening.

I am okay. Just a little weak.

My media exam is on Thursday, i had a nightmare last night that i missed it. Tommorrow i should really go into college for an hour revision session but i'm not sure about it yet, will have to see how i am feeling.

Sugar levels are up and down, which isn't helping my energy levels. Climbing the stairs today, i've had that fluttery feeling in my chest, the exhaustion kicking me in, aching legs, gasping as i reach the top. Like an elderly wasting woman not an eighteen year old girl. There is no excuse anymore, no reason for such laziness, my weight is too high.

I really need to snap out of this half conscious state, wake up or fade out. I will try to sleep, but fear i will be laying awake for hours, with the slow tick of my thoughts. A continous drip of poison infecting me whole, building resources for attack upon the enemy, myself.

I really need to shut up.