Mum just said to me "you look like your losing weight again". I wish. I haven't checked myself this morning but i'm sure it is not the case, although the scales are calling to me i don't want to see, can't face it.

It's gone half past four and i am eating a sandwich. This is the first proper piece of food that has passes my lips today, aside from a yoghurt secretly devoured earlier, which i promptly threw up three minutes later. These two piece of brown bread wrapped around cheese and tomato will be going the same way. I'm not feeling that hungry, it must be some kind of miracle. I feel quite fragile, coated in bubble-wrap, it's slightly sunny outside but i am so, so cold. It is ridiculous, here i am with three tops on shivering beneath the light leaking through the window ahead of me.

I just spilt tomato pips all over my trousers, it's left a dirty orange tint. I am so stupid, all the time. It is disgusting. I dropped a whole bowl of cereal on my bedroom floor the night before last, stumbling in a daze for something to feed on, head lost in a half conscious state. I stared at the mess on the carpet, the milk that had spread over my boks and clothes, items that should be hung up or displayed on shelves. I have no respect for my belongings, for what i have, even for this life. It took me so long to clear up, every now and then leaning against my bed and shutting my eyes, so exhausted. My bedroom now smells of stale milk.

The exams are over, and i am so relieved. Media studies was much easier than English. I wrote so much that i was only one of two people that needed extra paper, i just hope it made some sort of sence and i did not ramble. We have student reviews on Tuesday and i'll be starting my A2 year on Thursday, a months head start before we end for summer.

I am so grateful to be visiting Gwen, every day July the 18th looms nearer and i cannot wait to see her. I know it will help me alot, to get away from this house. It feeds my depression and suffocates my feeble voice. I keep pouring over the newspapers checking lettings and any available cheap accomidation, but still it is all to expensive. I fear i will have to stick it out here until i can escape to university.

The sky is begining to darken now. I think it may become one of those days where humidity entices rain. It's calmer, serene. The clouds seem ready to break, turning grey with the glow dimming. I shouldn't be here to experience this. It is all too beautiful, meaningful. I am a waste, of air, of space, turning my back on it all.