I'm feeling very lonely at the moment. Isolated, stranded in this barren wasteland, kicking stones across the dirt just to hear the beat and echo as they skin over the ground. I was sitting at college on Thursday, just me at a table in the corner. Everyone else has gone now, only back for exams and then off to university next year. Like i should be, if i hadn't surcumbed to an eating disorder and the trials that come with it. It struck me that the whole of the next year is likely to be the same. I have friends in my classes, but i'm never with them at breaks, and i won't know where to fit. I can't face rejection so i'll just cower in my own lethal solitude. These poisonous thoughts my only company, a companion that dares me to harm and batter myself down.

Maybe it is better this way. If there is no one around to talk to, i won't say stupid comments. If there is no one to see me, it won't matter so much that i am ugly and fat.

I am wearing a pretty skirt today. Dark blue and mid length with embrodered flowers in pink, purple and white. Mum said i looked lovely this morning, but the words mirrored back at me as 'healthy, big, too much'. Like it always does. I bought this skirt last summer, and it did not fit then, it slid down my legs and dropped to the ground and i was unable to wear it. Looking back, i can't help but wish i was still that contained. Of course i did not feel small then, but i know now that i must have been.

I see my peers out and about, walking with their boyfriends or in a group, with peachy legs and dazzling smiles. They have so much to live for and they aren't holding back. Yet i am wary of every step i take, every glance in my direction or eyes tracing my bumpy body.

It's so hot, sun shining deep into my skin. It makes me feel human, warm, reminding me that i do exist. I do not like it. I want to be cold, frozen to the bones with only a thin layer of flesh to cover them. But instead i am sweating, i can feel, i am here.

Bulimia is so humiliating. Last night i went crazy, eat all of the ice cream bars that were not mine to take. This morning i had to replace them, along with a multipack of crisps that i'd worked my way through. I am so greedy, i just can't control myself. Of course, with a trip to the supermarket i could not stop at those items. Now i have alot of food that i wish i hadn't bought, and another gaping hole in my bank balance.

We had a barbecue this afternoon. Mum's boyfriend invited some of his wayward friends over, god knows what they must have thought of me stuffing my face. Still it has been the first binge and purge of the day and it is nearly 6. I need to go and weigh myself, to check it is all out.

I wish i could feel clean inside. Turn myself inside out and empty the filth away.