Listening to pretty music, but feeling so far from pretty.

My disorted reflection, mirrored through smashed glass, a friend that stabs me in the back. Hands clenched tight around my throat, pulling me down, forcing me to the ground where i belong. Beneath the waves and into oblivion.

I am so thirsty, parched, like i have been living by sparse drops of water and not guzzling down Diet Coke by the bottle full. The result of 'HI' on my meter, so familiar, a glint of reasurance, smothered in the dizziness and disorientation. Floating along with it like this is the way it is supposed to be. I don't know what normal is, i'm not sure i ever will recognise it again.

I had to have a blood test this morning at the clinic, i've been putting it off as i always do. Saw the doctor last Monday, in and out as soon as possible, anxiety ridden, nervous and falling over my words. I needed to tell her how much i am struggling, how weak im am, with the binging and purging my sole focus, disrupting college and everything else beside it. I needed to show her my desperation, raw and bleeding. But i couldn't, i sat and i nodded and spoke little words. I am not important and she didn't have a lot of time, not time for me anyway.

The test will check my electrolytes and also work out my HBA1C which is frightening, as i haven't had one for ages, i can't even remember the last time, it was over a year ago atleast. I'm just hoping it won't be too high, i have been taking some insulin, trying. I just don't know what's happening today, i can't do it. My weight is slowly slipping and i need this, scared that it will switch and begin to rise again.

I've just realised, i didn't remember my prozac this morning, or the day before, probably partially to blame for this awful mood. I am so forgetful, digging my own grave. I hate the idea that i could be that dependent upon them. I have too many crutches, why can't i just deal? I hate knowing that i need armbands to swim, a safety harness around my waist, i have no strength.

College tommorrow. I didn't make it on Tuesday, lost myself in a warm blanket of food and vomit, snuggling into my duvet covers with watery eyes and a racing heart. I am so alone there. I try to join in with friends i have made in classes, but it is no use, they are out there, partying, socialising, moving on with talent in their wake. I am so jealous, still waiting here and watching, for something completely unknown. Perhaps for this beautiful sky to darken and crash around me. Walking the corridors like a ghost, pale and sombre, an automatic smile set to shine when i see someone i know.

'I�m looking for a way to calm these voices in my head
With all this mad confusion
I don�t wanna leave this bed
I�m on the run
I�m on the run again
From me'
Natalie Imbruglia, On The Run.