This whole Live 8 issue is really moving me. It is such a harsh slap in the face, to realise how much we all take for granted. The videos that they keep showing, scattered throughout the Hyde park concert, are devestating. Starving children and families, who did nothing wrong and yet fell into such misfortune. It is so unfair, so unjust. Here i am wasting so much, throwing up my inside again and again, voluntarily depriving myself when they have no choice. I feel so stupid, and so very cruel.

I'm not doing too good at all really. Have been sick to the stomach for atleast 2 days now, my neck and my head and my chest and my legs ache. Still, nothing has been able to stop me from running through that generic, stale torture several times over today. I don't even feel like eating, but it is routine, stuff myself, bite, chew, swallow, vomit. Now what?

I went drinking last night with my friends. Spent an hour getting ready. Straightened my hair, lined my eyes with smoky kohl and coated my lashes with black mascara. Wore my high healed suede boots and silver and purple drop earings. Desperately seeking a place to hide, a shutter to stand behind. I tried to tweak that painful smile, but it was so hard. Feeling completely depressed and the ugliest person there, waiting anxiously for the end of the night. At one point i slipped away to the bathrooms, sat along in a toilet cubicle with my head in my hands. I had a bottle with me, and the images of shattered glass, blood spill, coating the floor, my arms, my clothes, leaked through my head. I wanted it so much, the picture was raw so intense, so luring, but i didn't, couldn't. The only reason being because i couldn't hurt them, couldn't expose them to such a mess. Instead i scratched up my arm with one of my lancets, a tiny leak of crimson brought no satisfaction.

I just want to be normal. To feel some sparks of fun or exhileration, but i am just...dead. A candle burnt out in a cold room. A ashen scent, screams that move unheard.

I don't know what else to say. I keep seeing those little white specks infront of my eyes. Atleast that means i'm running on less, which means getting thinner.

This is all pathetic. I am so selfish, and i hate myself for that more than anything else. I keep catching glimpes of myself in the window opposite the computer, and looking away in utter disgust.

Sorry for the incoherent entry, i can't get my words together tonight.