What is the point in any of this? Why am i still here? I am so lost for reasons.
Everyday following the same course. Running high sugars, omitting insulin, eating and purging, caught amongst a flurry of soda cans and grocery bills, struggling to keep my head amongst the tide. And for what? A life i don't even value.

It is so black down here, so cold and so lonely. I feel like everyone is turning their backs on me, fed up and irritated. How could anyone blame them? I deserve to be left alone.

I cancelled my diabetic clinic apointment for tommorrow. I cannot do it. I am a coward. I am too scared that they might try to admit me to hospital. Instead i have Nicky's barbecue to go to, a huge stress in itself. Time to put on the puppet show, pulling my strings to show the right reactions. One day i might stretch myself so far that they will break, a litter of doll pieces strewn across the floor. A shattered soul.
I am doing better with eating infront of people, but i am still so self conscious about it. I might just stick to salad. I am so fat at the moment, they will think i am disgusting. Although they will not know the damage that comes later, the debt i will pay for allowing each bite. Pulling my hair back, and retching until it is all gone.

I am binging so much again. I am so ashamed. My stomach seems to have shrunk so each session is smaller, meaning they mount up to more. I seem to just be eating the whole day long. Falling weaker and weaker, crashing onto my bed with exhaustion. Repetition does not make it any easier, each time laying there i feel the shudder and thumps of a struggling heart.

There is more i wanted to say here, but every words seems faulty. Loose in strength, unable to reflect how i truly feel. Sad. Low. Numb. Nothing fits quite right. I am useless.

My hair is unwashed. Top dashed with stains. I am such a mess. A disapointment to everyone around me.

When will it stop? My eyes are so clouded with failure and guilt.

I am so sorry for being here.