I am just not good enough.

Back from holiday and glad. It wasn't enjoyable, and i feel emotionally crippled. Small, frail, weak inside. He wouldn't let go, wouldn't stop picking with his viscous little digs. A father who expected more. As soon as we got in the car, in response to my AS results he said "I thought you were supposed to get A's?" To him i am lazy not weak. To him i am miserable and rude instead of just shy and depressed.

He just didn't realise how much i was trying. Getting up in the morning, lining up the false reastions in order, a laugh, a grin, a giggle. Stretching myself dry. Keeping my happy pills and notebooks full of dark scribbles out of sight.

He kept on at me about how i need to build up my confidence, and yet at the same time kept battering me down with insults. I just don't understand. He does not believe in me, he does not believe i can succeed, he is always asking me what i'm going to do next and where i want to go like i am supposed to have all the answers already.

Words hurt, even if they are meant in jest. "You are annoying me by just being here", was one of the worst, because i've heard that inside my head numerous times before without needing his voice behind it.

I spent a lot of time trying to get away on my own. Sitting in cafe's and ice cream parlours eating and pretending i was normal like everyone else. Back with them at meal times i acted as ordinary as posssible. I skipped my insulin and purged when i could, much to his annoyance kept drinking and drinking. I've managed to maintain the weight somehow, thank God. I couldn't deal with a rise on the scales right now.

>I have to un pack. I need to put all my dirty laundry in the linen basket and have a bath. But really, all i want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep, in the same unwashed sheets i left here.

I am not pretty.
I am not out going.
I am not talkative or sociable.
Assertive or charming.
I cannot smile with ease.
Basically, i posess none of those qualities that make people like you.
No wonder i am so alone.

There are other people who are similiar. Quiet souls who like to move behind instead of over the foreground. Yet, most are able to get along well, to kindle and join in with friends. I must be in an entire league of my own. There is nothing to warm to, no sparkle. I am flat, gone, unreachable.

Look into my eyes. I am here, somewhere. I am a person, i care. My tears are not always frozen. My empty expression hides a multitude of thoughts. Feelings that rush and crash. I wish i could shine somehow.