This is all too familiar to me now.

Where to start?

I just got back from the supermarket, they declined my credit card. With a trolly full of food i had to walk away. I want to cry. I am so ashamed.

Thirsty. Weak. Emotionally crippled.

I have been so busy, trying to catch up on work i have missed at college through so many absences.

Every now and then i seem to step back a little. Setting goals, cutting back on my spending or attempting to stick to rules over my binging. But i haven't done that in a while. I can't find the point in any of it. I feel myself falling, falling down deep as i stupidly tread air.

I am alone. Always alone. I sit on the bus with an empty seat next to me. I am transparent, so different to the, and they know it. I wonder what they say about me, perhaps 'she's rather odd.'

Hush, silence is safer. Holding myself within this thick cage. I disgust myself, my need, greed. Banging my hands against these stark walls, i can't get out. Trapped, bleeding, weeping, screaming.

& i have wasted this body. My legs are constantly painful, bruised, i look like a battered child. A hard lump to my thigh from an insulin injection aches with an intensity i cannot describe. My sight is terrible. I shut my eyes and wonder what it would be like to be blind, to not be able to see the green of grass and blue of sky, the grey of fog on an autumn night or pretty daises darting up through spring. It terrifies me, and yet i am still running my sugars high. Putting the damage on. Trapping this poison to infect my every pore.

This eating disorder has me so close. I cannot breathe.