I feel as though i am dripping with sadness. White faced, with a touch as icy as the cold. Huddled up in my own torture. I am divided from everyone, even my own family. They are sitting downstairs at the moment while i am up here alone. It is better this way. I do not belong and i am not wanted. With this miserable, ugly face that is proving such a struggle to turn around, especially within the confinements of these familiar walls.

I am attending college more, and gradually catching up on my work, but still, pulling myself through each day on the curb of this exhaustion. The ultimate goal is perfection. I am doing it because i have to, failing cannot be an option, it never has been and yet it is still what i fear most of all. I find myself binging and purging at every free moment to calm the hysteria inside of my head, the stress of messing up, falling weak on my knees. I scurry through the canteen with my food, guarding it like a vixen protecting it's cubs. I always chose the alleyway table, solitary and out of view, hiding from the noise and the crowd. Sometimes i arrive at my lesson just on time after throwing up the last remains of my stomach just minutes before.

On the way back on the bus i always think of just getting off anywhere, at a random stop, somewhere i have never been. I think of walking and just waiting, just so i don't have to go back. Back to this place that breeds such darkness and depression within me. I have no resistance, instead a once just fragile will that is now snapped in two. Broken, shattered, dust.

We have no money, Mum is literally buying tins of baked beans and digging packets of chips from the back of the freezer. I am desperate for more and feel so guilty for it. For being bulimic, for being filthy and greedy and wrong. Yesterday i managed to get �10 from two of my credit cards after paying the minimum amounts last week, with a breathless trip to the supermarket and back, all of that is now gone. Emptied away down the toilet like nothing.

I can't remember what happiness feels like. Even the word - 'happy' sounds almost fake, plastic, unreal, an ancient myth. The image of a little girl in pigtails and a spotless dress, with boundless energy and such an innocent smile.

My existance can only be described as a fight for survival, a fight i am surely losing.