Here i am, in darkness, lit only by the glare of this computer screen. It is late, and i need to sleep, but i cannot stop eating.

It's always the same.

Cold.
Lonely.
Empty inside.

Filling myself up again and again with no sence of value or worth. Especially not for myself.

I'm still managing at college, somehow. The candle flame hasn't burnt out just yet, although i am waiting in haste, scared that it might at any moment. I haven't had any absences in a while. That doesn't stop the binging though. It is particularly bad at the moment and i don't even know why. There is never a reason, i have no excuse, greedy, fat pig.

I had a difficult orthodontic apointment this morning. I have been cleaning thoroughly twice a day, with all the little toothbrushes they have given me, timing myself, scrubbing and scrubbing, and yet they are still inflamed and bleeding. It is the bulimia. After nearly 10 years of reconstructive treatment, being poked and prodded, coming back and forth from the hospital for x-rays, or to have teeth out or another metal appliance fitted, i am just so fed up. & now they cannot move on, because i can't get my head out of the toilet for long enough for the gums to improve. The next stage would be cosmetic, whitening and straightening and adding bits here and there. It's so complicated. I wouldn't be able to explain even if i had all day. Like everything else it has all just become a hazy blur. I am atleast having the braces removed tommorrow, with another two apointments, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Mum seems to think i should feel good about this, and i know she is probably right, but i don't. It mattered before but now i realise i will be just as ugly anyway.

It happened like a pack of falling dominoes. The bike accident at 8, diagnosed diabetic at 9 (by theory may have been caused by the trauma), and then on to this eating disorder. The damage to my teeth from the accident and problems with eyes certainly didn't help with self esteem. Yet, i was weak, i must have been. Why couldn't i just deal with it? I am flawed, i couldn't cope, and now i am left here in this train wreck, crying useless tears.

I don't want to think about it anymore.
I was going to add a little possitivity in this entry but i can't even remember what i was going to say now.
I'm sorry.
I need more to eat.
Chewchewchew - forgetforgetforget.