I just purged for the 5th time today. I am sore and aching and tired, eyes misted over with sleepy dust. I feel so bad, so filthy, never clean inside no matter how much i try to cleanse myself, but will i ever be?

I can't believe what i have become, such an utter discrace. My clothes are marked with smudges of chocolate, vomit and greasy fingers. I can't be bothered to care for myself, wash my face, wear make-up, try to look good. This headache is pounding into my head and my attention keeps getting stuck on random objects and areas of the room - stretching out into another realm in my imagination. I am not really here. I am so very lost. A reflection so distant, so unrecognisable.

I had my brace taken off this morning, and retainers fitted this afternoon. Again, i was reminded that i need to make a significant change to the state of my gums, and yet they have no idea just how hard that is going to be. My poor insulin control and throwing up is what is causing the bleeding, and unless i can get better the process with be stuck at a complete stand still.

I feel like such an idiot, i can't explain just how much this means to me, just how important it is. My eyes have been far from dry recently. Just, what am i going to do?

I have to stop, but i can't. I have to, but i can't.
I wish i could just starve myself again. I hate being so out of control, so passive against the lure of food, so greedy and selfish and disgusting. There will be about four hours until i go to bed tonight, four hours, surely i can last that long without eating? But still, without even having to recognise it there is doubt, as the minutes tick on i won't be able to think about anything else aside from sandwiches and cream cakes, crisps and bowls of overflowing cereal.

The cosultant who is supposed to be taking over the cosmetic care of my teeth only became aware of the full truth yesterday. A few details are scattered through my notes but he is relitavely new to my case. Mum was trying to defend me, trying to explain that the bleeding is not because of neglect but instead partly due to my eratic sugar levels. After which he asked why, to which she said "Well Claire has an eating disorder, she is anorexic and bulimic." Silence, shock, i wanted to shrivel up and dissolve. He replied "Well, that actually explains a lot". To his questions, i lied about the severity, i shrugged and tried to avoid his gaze. When i go back in three months, if they are still the same, he will know, he will shake his head and file me under 'hopeless case'.

I am so sick of that hospital, the same white walls, same faces, same cheerful smiles that leave me drained.

There are barricades all around me, tall towering walls that cannot be knocked down.
I'm trying to look up at the sky, but the glare is so bright and staring down into the dirt is so much easier.
I need to get out of this skin. I don't want to be this person, i really don't.