I�ve just got into college and I need to write. There is something stalking me, haunting me. I was intending to get off the bus in town as I have a free period before English Literature at 11.40, but I need to get this out, need to unblock my head, otherwise I won�t be able to think of anything else all day. I almost started crying this morning, fearing that if someone would have glanced my way they might catch this defect of weakness. I merely flirt with reality, while always existing in the shadows. Going to classes, making conversations - while always lost amongst clouds.

It�s all that happened with Gwen. I was looking through a couple of photos of us last night, from when I had just landed in the US, we were smiling, excited, it was just the beginning and we both thought we had so much to look forward to. I would never detail any of was said here, that is between Gwen and I, but I have to talk about how this feels. I am finding it so difficult to move on.

I have tried to shut all of it into a tidy box and store it on a shelf titled �mistakes�, but it keeps shooting out and spilling all over the floor. I can�t forget. I feel like I am in mourning, for a friendship I thought was true and real, a friendship that meant so much to me.

I thought she understood me, inside and out, yet she couldn�t have misunderstood me more. I do have my regrets, but there were so many assumptions made that were not true. I would do anything to be able to convince her that I was there to see her and her only. Nothing else mattered to be besides that. I remember when we met at the airport, I had just come through customs and was upset and stressed over it, I couldn�t see her, and then in a moment she rushed out and hugged me. That was all that I wanted. I felt safe.

Before I went over there I feared she would not like me, and I was right. So maybe I am right with all I tell myself? Those of you who make such lovely comments to comfort me and try to persuade me otherwise, you cannot really know. Sitting on the plane back over to London I felt so, so alone. I just wanted to be someone else, I still do. Someone she would like � free of passivity and quick to make decisions. More confident, able to stand my ground and insist instead of trying to huddle into corners. I must always seem so limp, so lifeless, completely drained of colour.

Our eating disorders probably had a part to play, a clash of insecurities and low self esteem. Perhaps if we had been well it could have been different, I am not sure.

It hurts. We were so close and now it's all been blown to pieces, not even the foundations remain. She does not want to know me anymore. I miss it, I miss her. I still feel like i should be apologising for reasons i cannot place. I don't see that ever going away. Why does one person's opinion matter so much? I am always trying to help everyone, stretch myself to all those that i care for, and i never feel that i am doing a good enough job.

I feel like such a fool. Like, so many people will be thinking the same, as well as my family. I flew 11 hours over there. I gushed with enthusiasm over it, imagining it as pause in this miserable routine. I have told none of my friends here what really happened, not one person. They had their postcards, some of which I had to ask a store owner at duty free to send from the airport. They were made up with lies. Next year they will wonder why Gwen is not visiting me, and i will have to fill in all the gaps with lame excuses. I can�t admit that it all went wrong, that I was wrong. I can�t even tell Frances, I know what she would think � �silly little Claire, so stupid, always getting into muddles.� She would judge me, they all would. My imagination may well be my downfall but I still feel the need to guard it. It is my escape, a microcosm of my creation that I can climb into, through a tunnel away from this vast and frightening world.

Despite everything, I cannot cut the ties, I still care, and that I know will not change.

Gwen, if you are reading this, I hope that you are doing well and looking after yourself. You are a good person, and you deserve better than a life of sickness and struggle. Please do not doubt yourself. You can be successful and achieve all you want to, I really believe that. If you ever need me, i am still here. I really hope you don't mind me writing this.

I�ve just eaten some skittles, and that will be the start of it all. It is inevitable, I will be spending later, on food. The one thing I do not want to do. I have forgotten my insulin today but that is unimportant. I wanted to stay in bed this morning and binge and purge all day, and I wish that is where I was now. I feel exposed here.

I�m going to e-mail this home, and post it later. I�m too scared to update here, leaving a pathway to my secret little world, a twisted haven hidden in the depths of the world wide web.