I went out last night to watch the fire-works. Katie and Gwen were back from university for the weekend and i wanted to see them both. It was so pretty. Sparks of red and blue and purple, green and white and yellow, lights shooting through the sky and bursting into glitter. Breaking through the black of the night, people wrapped cosily in scarfs and hats, huddled together and holding hands. I remember when i was little, Matthew and I were always taken down to the bonfire with Mum and Dad. I used to sit in my push-chair with my hands over my ears crying and screaming with every pop and bang. I couldn't know that life was going to be so much scarier. The only worries i had were that of the monsters that might hide under the bed, or the reasoning behind Mummy's red eyes.

I have to admit i enjoyed it. I wanted to be there, i love to see those around me so happy. They deserve it so much. We qued up for warm doghnuts and i pretended i was normal like everyone else by buying some too, then i took them home, binged, purged, and went to bed, high from the sugar rush. A depressing end to a some-what beautiful night.

Katie has invited me up to see her in Feburary half term, but how can i? When i am held back so much by this eating disorder? No matter how much i try to fit in i never quite manage it. They have boyfriends and i never have, nobody would want me. They order pizza while watching a movie and drink alcohol without worrying about the calories. They can look in the mirror without wincing and needing to turn away.

To my relief i am doing better with my spending. I mark crosses to my calender for the days i avoid the supermaket, and stars for when i spend nothing whatsoever. It has only been a week, but i am trying my hardest.

I am not sleeping much at all during the night and instead laying in late. I'm not doing as good with college anymore, each day i miss i fall back another step, i am scared of falling flat on my face. It is so difficult to catch up, so tireing, exhausting. I should be doing home-work now but i don't even know where to begin. I need to write an essay on feminism and Thelma & Louise but because of absences i haven't been able to see the whole movie, for some stupid reason our rental shop doesn't stock it.

& so i give up, like always. I am such a failure.

I should have received a letter back from the diabetic clinic with my blood results but haven't yet. I take it this means there is nothing wrong, and i have to admit that frightens me even more than if there was.

I am so dizzy and my stomach hurts, i don't know whether it is hunger or not.