I wish i had a pause button, something to press down on when it all gets too much, to wipe out the whirlwind inside my head and create a sence of calm. Like, when i am starting to binge, or entering the supermarket, i need to stop, i need to think of how it feels everytime i stand over that toilet, with weeping eyes and a pounding heart. I know i do not want this, don't want to go there, don't, don't, don't and yet that motive becomes so lost amongst my hunger, a ravenous appetite i cannot even explain. A drive that pushes me on with torturous reason, as i welcome the distraction and comfort with open arms.

No college today. I was just so tired, so worn down. It's been horrible at home here. Arguments about food, i eat nearly a whole box of cereal in 24 hours, my brother went crazy. He is so angry with me. I want to beat myself up over and over to show him how much i understand that. The fury i feel for myself is so intense. I deserve pain, and lots of it, searing red cuts down my arms and legs, bleeding lines falling down my skin. I am sorry, i feel so bad tonight.

I crave so much for someone to be able to see that i do not intend to be selfish. If there was one way i could change this situation for my friends and family it would be to remove myself entirely. So that i would never have existed, nothing to mourn, nobody cause any harm. I have only one way to look, and that is to the ground. I cannot hold my head high, this face is so filthy, so incrusted with dirt and shame that will never wash away.

I finished writing a poem earlier, but i don't know if it is any good. I cannot tell anymore, everything i say, do, put down in words just seems wrong, another part of me bleeding outwards. There is a poetry competition at college, and i can't even tell you how much it would mean to win a prize in that. I might even feel proud of myself. The part that worries me is sharing myself, my inner thoughts, a dark chest of secrets and lies. I want to enter, but i don't want to seem ahead of myself. I am a burnt out candle stood next to sparkling flames.

Since 5pm i have polished off dinner, as well as two scones, 7 chocolate bars, a 200g bag of Rolo's, Cadbury's coconut snaps. Mum is writing bouncing checks for the groceries as we have no money, and today i begged her to let me get some items too until i get my benefits on Friday when i i can pay her back. The charges will be the same, she keeps saying it will all get better soon, but she has been saying that for a while now. They are waiting for the new mortgage to be finalised. It is such desperation, and with such lack of food i have been tearing my hair out, my guilt spinning out of control. & now guess what? I am eating again. I just threw up a while ago. I feel so sad and so full of rage at the same time.

These are just mere stupid facts that add up to the bigger picture. A portrait with a loud and garing backgroung, and yet the subject fading, falling within, her spirit turned limp and grey.