It was okay. I am okay. I think. Well, they didn't chuck me into hospital anyway. Deep down, part of me wishes they had. Even within that sterile world of needles and beeping machines, white coats and bright posters, it would be an escape from this life i continue to drag myself through.

It's so difficult to realise that i probably don't look at all sick anymore. Although i've never been able to see it, i have felt that sensation of being untouchable, of walking on air with pins holding fragile bones together. Now it just seems i am suffocating under these warm layers, no longer so close to the cold and the wind. & i need it, i want to feel small and compact, like Alice shrinking on the other side of the looking glass.

I am an adult now and despite what i may be doing to myself they cannot tie me down, All they can do is advise.. The relisation of that is slightly strange. I feel free and indangered at the same time, relieved but unnurved. I could so easily drop to the bottom of the river if i wanted to. I often wonder what is keeping me here.

I saw a lady doctor which was better. She was trying to help me, suggesting insulin changes and a structured shedule, although i think she knew by my history that i wouldn't follow it. My HBA1C came back pretty awful at 11.7% (it is supposed to be under 7 - still i kept thinking that it could have been worse) and i've had full blood and urine tests, the results of which will be sent shortly in the post. I was also referred to the local diabetic nurse again, the one i saw last time, that i just couldn't bring myself to see again. So much talk of improvement makes me want to run far away. I do not know what to do next, i know i must try but the pull to resist is so, so easy.

I always feel like i am letting everyone down. She did look horrified when i told her i was on no specific doses and that my sugars were regularly shooting off the scale. But i was honest, as much as i could be. The eating was a no-go area, i just stumbled out a few pathetic lines and shrugs, but she did not push me thank god.

It is half term this week. I thought i could mend myself, fix in a few stitches and try to cut down on my binging, and yet again it just isn't working out that way. Along with this weight gain i just...to sound cliche but so true...hate myself.