My heart feels torn into pieces, i am finding it so difficult to live with myself at the moment.

I slept until 1pm today, and then went back to bed from three till six after taking five paracetemols to knock myself out, and i am still completely shattered. I have been laying in the dark for forty five minutes before giving up and coming here. My eyes are heavy and limbs aching, but i cannot stop thinking. Of hurting myself, of cutting my arms, my wrists, of smuggling a sharp knife up from the kitchen to mutilate myself with. Contemplating not taking my anti-depressents because i don't deserve any help, planning another drop of weightloss as i can't stand being this big anymore.

I feel like my sugars are low, all jittery and shaky. Yet, the meter reads HI, i haven't taken much insulin today. I am floating on a cloud above water, waiting to drop beneath and sink to the bottom.

My alarm is set early for the morning, so i can catch the first bus in to college and do some work. I don't want to face it, and even thinking about trying to function, of getting up, dressing, cleaning my teeth, seems impossible. Tommorrow is going to be hard, i know it.

Lonely, sad and lost, just the way it is supposed to be.
I am sorry, so sorry, for being the person i am. I wishwishwish i could change. Paint myself with new colours, remove the filth from inside.
I don't know how long i can go on like this. I just want it to stop.