Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2003/5:58 pm

The end of the world

I am listening to "The end of the world" on repeat. I downloaded it from Kazaa. It's the song that plays in the film 'Girl Interrupted' when Susanna finds Daisy hung in the bathroom.

It's so beautiful, but so sad, i love it.

I find beauty in sadness, i understand so many peoples desperate pleas, i wish i could help them.

"why does my heart keep on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry?"

I don't want to help myself though, only you.

I want to pull so many of you off the ground, take you by the hand and wipe the blood away. Your all so special to me.

Then again i can't even stand up myself.

"why does the sun keep on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don't they know it's the end of the world, because you don't love me anymore."

So many lost souls, trying to find their place in this cruel world, i feel their pain.

I'm just pathetic and useless, and fat. I feel atleast three times more than what the scale says.

Just want to crawl up, as always.

Another day off school, theres no point anymore.

"Why does my heart keep on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry?"

I'm so stuck, in this ditch, i can't do anything worthwhile, i'm so discuting, and i can't do anything about it. I just...can't.

It's my birthday Friday, i am not looking forward to it, i'm going to be 16. Most sixteen year old girls are interested in shopping and boys, and sex, and boys. I'm not like them, i have no care about any of that. All i can think about is food, and throwing up and ways to punish myself.

I hate me so much, i guess thats the difference.

I don't understand how i ended up here, but i know i can't change.

Which means nothing will get better.

"I wake up in the morning and i wonder why everything's the same as it was, i can't understand, no i can't understand, how life goes on the way it does."