Saturday, Feb. 22, 2003/11:22 pm

to many tears

As usual on a Saturday night i am alone. Everyones out until tommorrow so i raided the cupboards to feed my addiction. My mum told me not to eat everything but i couldn't stop. Several trips to the bathroom and back later i find myself here. Naseous and tired, my stomach feels tied in knots. Cringe worthy tv and friends videos running over. The same episodes i've seen a million times before.

I cried so much today.

Had a horrible argument with my brother about something stupid, but it really cut me to pieces. i was talking to Imo on the phone and he started trying to connect to the internet. So i told him he couldn't, that i was using the line but just shouted at me to get off and kept trying to connect. He said i could use his mobile because he gets several hours worth of free calls to use in the evening. I told Imo i'd ring her back, then as i hang up my brother tells me he's changed his mind. I pull the internet cord out, by this time struggling with anger flaring up inside. I dial her number again, just get a chance to say hello when the reciever cuts dead. He has switched it off from the plug point. I give up, and flop down on my bed and start sobbing into the covers. I never get to see her, i wanted to talk to her, i miss her, but no, it doesn't matter that i'm doing, what he wants is much, more important.

He comes into my room and starts to make fun of me, on account of my tears. Says i'm pathetic, have issues, need to see a councilor, i scream at him and tell him to get out, i don't want to see him. He slams my door and i break down.

I couldn't face anyone after that, I slept for two hours but it made no difference. Woke up with low blood sugar levels and a bad chest pains.

Wanted to lie there until i started to dissolve.

I can't keep myself together anymore. Never knowing how i'm going to react next. Whether insults thrown at me will devestate or repel from a numb exterior.

I wish i wasn't so weak.

I remember when i used to chew each bite 21 times so i could stop eating when i wanted to. 200 or more situps each day. Hiding food in my room to throw away from meals instead of hiding stolen food to binge on. Watching people indulge in fat knowing i was stronger than that.

I had some stamina left then.

Bulimia has destroyed all that.

I can't change.

I can't lift myself back up.

Left curled up on the ground, soiling the dirt around me.

Struggling to wake myself from my dreams.