Wednesday, Mar. 05, 2003/10:39 pm

stuck on repeat

There are so many things i want to say but i can't put it all down right now.

I feel immune to reaction, i am just sitting here, just staring, fazy, dizzy. I hate it when i get like this. It's like everything around me becomes larger than life, and i shrink beneath a dim ambience. Similar to being in shock, i seem to lapse into a trance without realising, a mould that cases itself around my sinking body.

Sometimes i even feel as if i am watching my life on a televison screen. I don't feel like the main character.

I'm going to start writing a food diary to log what i eat and purge. I have no idea how i am doing at the moment because events move past in such a mixed up blur. My Mum asks where 17 packets of crisps have gone in one day, and i say 'i didn't eat them' because i can't remember it. Even though deep down i know i did, i can't seperate the confusion in my head, binges just seem to run into each other. The same depressing song played on repeat. I could be purging 20 times a day and not even notice. Maybe if i knew what was going on, i might be able to face up to things.

For now i'm going to go and eat, anything, everything, then find away to get rid of it all so i feel like nothing.

Then i'll lie down, and try to sleep. Try and try, shut my eyes tight just hoping they will give up. Three am is the average time that I am able to decend into darkened dreams. I'm so exhausted.

I'll update again tommorrow, i can't function preoperly today.

My tears feel like glass.