Thursday, Mar. 06, 2003/10:34 pm

lost innocence

Horrible day at school. I had low blood sugar levels all the way through the morning. A teacher found me sitting on some stairs outside my class drinking some coke, which i had gotten from the canteen. I was shaking lots and couldn't keep my balance, she took me to the medical room.

Spent all morning there practically, being given one sugary drink after another. I started to get back to a normal level then suddenly it dropped down again. It was so embarrasing. At one point they were going to get me a Mars bar or something and i just shook my head, didn't know what to say. I could never keep that in me.

I walked home after lunch and missed P.E. There was a phonecall at home asking where i was, my brother answered and told them i was here. I don't care what they say to me about it, i just don't care.

I think teachers have given up on me anyway, they don't know whats wrong with me. They don't know why i sit in the back of class staring beyond the white board. Why i play with the split cords on my jumper and only have a few sentences written by the end of one lesson.

No one knows me.

I've purged over 10 times today and i thought i was doing alright. It can be hard to count them though, when binges overlap and run into each other. It seems like an average day for me. Just shows how wrong i am, i'm oblivious to what i'm doing really.

I keep thinking of childhood memories, having flashbacks of behaviour which wasn't normal. I never thought anything of it back then.

I remember when i was about seven or eight. Sitting in the Art room at secoundary school. A girl was talking about how a boy she knew stuck his fingers down his throat when he felt ill. Outloud i said it was gross, but really i thought it was quite a good idea. The next time i recall of purging was just before my nineth birthday, a week previous to being diagnosed diabetic. I made myself sick atleast once every day because i didn't want to go to school. That has been my secret since, no confession, until now. I don't even know why i didn't want to go, but i just didn't. I don't think it had anything to do with weight at that time, but still, i didn't like the uncomfortable feeling of food in me either.

I also have vivid images of watching my Mum excessively excersising and gradually shrinking away, she used to do step in out living room to loud, pumping music. I don't think it was healthy.I tried to copy her. Another time i was having a snack in class, which i am suposed to do to maintain my sugar levels, this was year 6. The teacher, Miss Preston told me off and aftewards asked me why i was eating, and i explained. She understood but i was too scared to do it again. It's strange how food related memories stand out out when i look back, maybe i've always been obsessed.

I can never actually recall not thinking i was fat when i looked in the mirror. By year 5, i was hardly eating three proper meals a day. From my packed lunch i used to chuck away the sandwiches, drink, biscuit, apparently i didn't like then. I then gave half of my crisps to Frances leaving me with half a bag left for myself. I'm pretty sure i was still making myself sick occasionaly, but it didn't count it as anything. I wasn't aware with the word bulimia or that there was anything unusual in what i was doing.

After my restriction period when i lost the first lot of weight in September 2001, when i started to binge alot, it seemed to be the logical thing to do. I never even thought about it. If anyone asks i say my eating problems started a year and a half ago, but really i am not sure. It was always lurking behind me, ready to pounce as my insecurity began to grow.

I can see now how i gradually let it overtake me. I didn't know of any implications there would be from knowing how to do that. It was always a resource for me, even if it was used for completly different reasons. One teenager who knows how to throw up, plus low self worth, equals depressed bulimic.

I wish i could retrace the steps.

I wish i'd not been listening when i'd been given that first seed of information.

I wish i knew how to eat properly.

I want to forget it all but i can't.

It's such a part of me now.

.....

Hayley I love you, and you are in my thoughts...