Saturday, Mar. 22, 2003/10:45 am

anxiety

I'm finding social situations really difficult to cope with at the moment. Just being around people who talk about televison programmes and what they're doing at the weekend. I'll never be able to involve myself in that. I am always alone, no matter who is crowding me, still, always alone. As soon as i get away from someone i breathe a sigh of relief, knowing i can lower my pretence a little.

Tears that fall in silence.

Blood that spills onto my floor, washed up my the time i have to see anyone.

Bones and scars hidden beneath loose jumpers.

Lies and decieving smiles.

Sometimes i just want them to guess, but no one dares to try.

My blood sugars were so high last night and this morning that the meter couldn't take the reading properly. I went off the scale, a new experience for me. The capitilazation HI just appeared on the screen as a warning. I didn't react to it, just felt good that i should be able to lose some more weight.

I love being able to pull my trousers down without undoing the buttons.

The patch of dry skin on my hip from knocking it against furniture.

But still i have so much furthur to go.

It disturbs me how emaciation has become so appealing.

Obsessions, addictions, little silver charms hanging from my bracelet. Hunger, binging, cutting, pain, laxatives, pills, emotional torture...

I can't just leave them behind.

Not now,

not ever.

Corset tight,

short of air.

Lying between remains of what i had.

Barbed wire fencing, electrical surround.

black/grey/white decrepit body.

Anxiety, fear ridden, swallowing beads of sin.

Snowflakes falling on sunken skin.

waitingwaitingwaiting

For.Everything.Or.Nothing,