Sunday, Mar. 23, 2003/10:15 pm

Whats left?

I realised that i am friends with people who used to bully me. I never accepted it then but it's clearer now. So many of them were in on it. I remember the jokes, the imitations, being mocked in lessons where they all crowded around one table. Later i would be asked why my eyes were red. The humiliation of walking home where i used to be pushed into the road.

I never fought,

i never argued or said they were wrong.

I never have.

I may have forgiven, but not forgotten. They scorched me deep. I wouldn't ever treat them like they did me. Yet i couldn't turn my back on them. They have an excuse for it, i deserved it. Now they are just faceless names. I cannot find them anymore.

What do you do when its all gone?

When you've bled it all out?

Cried life away?

Cannot feel,

one thing besides pain.

Dark words.

One more heap of sugar in my coffee,

makes no difference.

Blank as a bare canvas.

Sitting by caved in windows, cobwebbed, dust ridden, dented lines rupture the glass.

A weathered cardboard box, decomposing by the side of the road.

School will be tramatic tommorrow, i can't bear it but i havetohavetohaveto. I meant to do some more art this weekend but i havn't. The clocks run out, the alarm sounded weeks ago but i didn't respond. I will leave before history last lesson. The teacher is after me, i'm playing a game of chase, hiding whenever i see him. About a fortnight ago he said i was 'taking the mick' as i hadn't given the coursework in. I still haven't attempted it, or been to his classes since then. He is apparently worried and keeps asking Gwen whats wrong with me. I wonder how long i can keep running.

I'm lying to everyone about work, they ask if i've done it and i just say 'yeah, nearly finished' or 'i'm bringing it in tommorrow'. I don't want to be lectured, i don't want to dissapoint them. They don't see that just because they can cope doesn't mean i can. I only just sent my college application form off when it was suposed to be in before March, yet to anyone who asks i've already had my interview.

I can't look forward, too busy looking down.

Most people have an idea what they want to do but i haven't got time to think about it.

Crouching from view.

Empty.

Alone,

and empty.