Tuesday, Mar. 25, 2003/9:30 pm

too late

I have been skiving for the last two days even though i said i would try to go.

Typical.

Gained a few pounds, just a few, it seems like so much more.

I'm going to buy some laxatives when i get a chance, i haven't used them in a long time. I need them now though, i just do. I want them as a fallback. Family are closing in on me, i'm scared, they know i'm still purging. I need them just incase, i have to feel clean and pure.

There was a message left on the answer machiene today from the school careers adviser. She wants to talk to me, either i should ring her or she'll meet with me on Friday if i'm there. Wants to talk about what i plan to do after GCSE's. I won't know what to say, that one knocked me sideways. I have no idea what i'm doing tommorrow let alone in a few months. Except for eating, puking, starving, cutting, drowning, stumbling, dying, of corse. She explained she hadn't realised until now, that i have missed so many lessons and time. She intends to see me as soon as possible. After two years of falling majorly behind on work teachers are actually starting to notice. I have been so overlooked. They're too late now, they can't help me, i'm far too low to be helped now. It's so true that i feel invisible, absences never looked up, reasons weren't pondered over. Quiet, shy Claire who just keeps to herself, surely she's alright?

I got a five back of disposable razors today.

new&shiny&inviting.

Once i start i don't know if i'll be able to stop.

I crave pain intensly.

My arms, legs, stomach are sure to be attacked tonight.

Frosted blades,

violet skin,

/coldwarmhot/

crystalsplit,

red.red.red...

-calm-

-------------

Sit up in your chair now,

don't speak,

you've been bad,

wipe the butter off your cheek child.

Stop acting out,

stop doing this to us.

Lace up, cover your mouth, hang your head in shame.

Stop crying,

go to your room.

& only eat what I put infront of you.

Look at what you've done to us.

sorry, sorry, sorry.

You don't mean it, i don't believe it.

You've upset everyone.

I'm not listening.

I'm not listening.

to your pathetic excuses.

i haven't time for this.

Punishment, a smack on your hand girl.

I don't want to see your face anymore.