Friday, Apr. 04, 2003/12:03 am

night visions

I can't do this.

WHYWHYWHY

I have two pieces of vital coursework in for tommorrow morning, if i don't get them in i can't take the exam. I haven't even written one word. I've tried, yes i've tried, i've cried and gone back and forth over sentences that don't make any sence. It's nearly 11.30pm, i have until 8.30am.

I keep stopping and going downstairs for more food. food. food. food. food. It's all i can think about, aside from clouds and blood. I feel very stressed even though i've hardly done any work.

Everyone else has managed to do it, why can't i? I hate myself, i hate how i'm so weak, i hate how everyone knows it and how i can't seem to do anything about it.

Still stranded on the floor.

Cold/Harsh/Chilledtothebone.

Three more weeks of school left.

21 days. Only 21.

I need to get through it, somehow, i really hope i do. I need to come out on the other side of the exams unscathed. I've messed up alot already but as long as i scrape by, pass, get through to college in September and then start over renewed.

I don't know if i can do it though.

I don't know if i have the faith.

I thought i did earlier, i was thinking 'yes, it will be okay, i'll be okay' But then i sat down to do this work and it hit me that i have no idea what i'm doing. I just stared at the notes i have borrowed from someone else and went blank. I don't remember learning these things, i know i was in some of the lessons but i don't remember listening, or writing any of it down. I spend so much valuble time stuffing my face, puking, stepping on and off scales. Craming my mind with thoughts of chocolate this-and-thats or pizza&[insert your own delectible topping] anything or anything that contains those ever essential fat grams and calories.

I'm scared that i am going to slit my wrists again or OD in the upcoming weeks. It scares me of how calm i am in admitting that.

I find it so hard to deal with pressure, stress, ontop of everything else.

I am not even going to school tommorrow, if i get the coursework done i will ask my mum to take it in.

I am going to be up all night, or i'll have to wake up very early in the morning if i can't bring myself to face it now.

I havn't stepped a foot inside school teritory since Monday.

Today is the first time i have changed out of my night clothes since Tuesday.

I have gained more weight, too ashamed to put what i am here, i will only confess when i am back to 90, or beneath that.

I will do it though, even if it kills me, i asure you. I always seem to, eventually, i swing up and down like a yo-yo but settle at my destination eventually. Ponder apon a new goal and then i'm off again.

Skipped more injections, swallowed more laxatives, i am nearly through the 100 i bought only on Saturday.

I am avoiding friends, they think they know but really they have no idea. I had an argument with someone on Msn earlier. he was saying i look 'revoltingly skinny' apparently everyone thinks it's 'disgusting' He even compared me to a lollypop! Told me i must not eat much at all, ha, yeah right. All this actually really upset me though, I KNOW I AM SICK, he doesn't have to keep reminding me, none of them do, but they just won't quit it. He was cruel and ended on the note of branding me as tragic. This is the same person who keeps pinching my arm trying to feel bone, it makes me shudder, i don't want to be touched. He kept asking whether i think i'm too skinny or not and i wouldn't answer, i just wrote no comment, he persisted to ask but i didn't give in on my original answer.

He also said that i seem to get smaller each month which made me pleased if anything. I guess it's true actually, even if i fluctuate i do seem to end up somewhere lower at the end of each month. In May i knew i couldn't go past 105, if i did i would immediatly make myself start losing again. Now I know i definatly can't go beyond 98, hopefuly soon i'll become frightened of anything after 91.

I am wearing a t-shirt with pluto printed on it, that i bought in Disneyland when i was 10 and we were on holiday in America. Me, my brother, Dad and some relatives. It was strange putting it on and seeing it loose around the arms, i just keep thinking that i must have been a fat child. If it had been too big i probably would have burst into tears actually, combined with the weight i've put on and how bloated i am at the moment.

I do realise that it is a little wrong to still be able to fit into it. Though it is somehow justified anyway.

I wish i could just stop talking about all this, i am very sorry, you must be tired from reading through it all. Thats if you havn't pressed that x at the right of the screen already.

I need to sleep, work, rest, eat, drink, all at the same time.

I also need someone to care.

Someone who's not going to shout at me, and tell me my whole universe is twisted.

I know that already. My skin is grey, nails reaching into blue again. No i do not think this looks good.

They just shouldn't keep breaking me down, breaking in, breaking through. Don't even think they are trying to mend me though, they are just trying to touch the freak-show. See if it cracks under observation, under the beams of a microscope. All i do is push them out and turn around.

No one understands and they never will.

It's 12 now.

Take your bets on whether i will get all this finished.

It's dark, my eyes are glazed and visions wandering.

This is all too much.

Drowning deeper into the night.

Surrounded.

In.

Black.

Will i ever wake up?