I'm so distant, floating around with the confusion, wearing a veil that blocks the sun from my eyes.

I feel so very far away.

Can't sleep, can't stop crying, can't stop eating or puking. Sitting on this cold, harsh shelf, grey and expressionless. Covered in cuts and wounds that won't even bleed anymore. I'm so numb to the pain, the constant, routed pain that has drowned me whole.

Purging is really wearing me down at the moment. It takes a while to re-cooperate afterwards, which makes me wonder how i manage to fit in so many during the day.

Need to ring up my GP tommorrow to find out about the anti-depressents. The two weeks she told me to wait for are up now. I don't know how i'm going to pick up the phone and do it, having to speak up and admit that i need help. I've said those words already, and i feel like i don't even deserve it.

Life without this eating disorder would be like flying without a parachute. I can't imagine it, not in my wildest dreams. How do people do it? I don't understand.

I feel trapped inside, claustraphobic. Lost deep under layers of flesh, surrounded by flaring energy i cannot join. I wish i could get out from underneath this skin.