Angels around me are weeping, soft voices swept out by the cold, the sweet tone of singing frozen still. I want to reach out, hold them, brush my hand against their tear soaked cheeks, whisper 'i am here.' But i am so afraid it will make no difference. This world is so unfair. I want to save them all.

I am whirling around on an emotional rollercoaster. Curls and loops spinning around me, spiralling in frantic confusion. Restricted and limp with fear. Yesterday evening, it was okay, for a few hours i thought it could be all right. I felt a bit more motivated. I picked the clothes up off my bedroom floor, wrote 3 letters, 2 cards and some pm's, completed a piece of homework, all such hurdles for me. So simple in concept but so difficult to face. Holding my head up, trying, and getting somewhere.

But today it is back. The hard clench of depression, a mental block clamped around my mind and body. A knife twisted into my heart, without blood, just numb pain. Get up. Get out. Eat. Puke. Eat. Puke. Don't look in the mirror. Don't look at those blurred eyes. Those tired, tired eyes.

I haven't been going to college. Not since last Tuesday. It is terrible, i can't believe i'm doing this. Taking time off because i can't bring myself to walk to the bus stop, get to my classes, sit there dripping with exhaustion and anxiety. Wondering, are they all staring at me, what are they thinking? What have i done wrong?

I am going back in tommorrow. I only have two hours in the morning and then i can get the 11.50 bus home, which should be easy to cope with. I need to push myself gentley, slowley sink into routine again. I can't skip anymore lessons this term, i have to make it till Christmas. I just have no idea how i'm going to be able to keep my strength up. It seems impossible, i keep failing. Giving anything to myself or trying to heal. I just can't take care of myself, i can't accept it, can't accept myself.

All I want to do is please everyone around me, and yet i feel i am letting them down so much. My Dad rang earlier and asked how it was all going, he's working in Germany at the moment and won't be back for a while. I just answered 'okay' and 'fine', 'great' at one point. Keeping up this act. I am such a traitor.

I have to go and throw up the cup of tea i just drank. Just because. It's too much.

I am so sorry. I want to change, i just don't know how. I wish i had more to say. I wish i could get out of this and make you all proud of me.