Hello.

I don't know how to do this. Frame these painful feelings with words to describe my state of mind. I'm so mixed up.

I made it through another week. Managed to pull myself to college each day, and back again. Sleeping, and eating, and puking when i can. Losing weight, and then a little bit more.

One pound from my lowest, fall, fall, fall, slowley slip away. The whispers are so intense, so soft underneath the loud exterior of reality that i cannot keep myself from listening.

I had my subject reviews, and i am doing far better than i expected. My current grade for English Literature is B, and Media Studies A. Despite the absences they are pleased, i wish i had their faith.

Someone in my Media class told the teacher about those two boys that were bothering me, and she asked me about it. I told her about the taunts, the e-mail and the note, and she was shocked that it was going on outside of lessons too. She told me that if they ever sent me anything else, i need to save it, because in her eyes it is worthy of chucking them out.

I feel guilty. Guilty that she knows. Guilty that...i don't know, she sees it as wrong. Because, is it? Really? I am not worthy of any better, To have someone on my side is a relief, a protection perhaps. But i cannot shake the doubt away, like ice cold water falling drop by drop, covering my concience. I'm pathetic really, i should be able to stick up for myself without involving anyone else.

The amount money i am spending on binge food is terrible. I think i've even gone beyond caring, i don't try to stop myself anymore. There is no point. The exact figures are too hard to even contemplate. It's disgusting.

& My Mum knows, so does my brother, they must. Everyone does. They are helpless and so am i. So they just leave me, to rot, to wilt, to die. I can't be saved.

If this was somebody else. Standing infront of me, crying and drowning in their own pool of destruction. I'd feel so sad for them, i'd want to help. With me it is so different. I was watching people eating in the canteen, girls, my age, laughing, talking and eating. They didn't mind that they were being seen, or about the calorie information on the back of their sandwich wrappers. It was normal, natural and right. I can never imagine that, not for me, never.

My eyes look so distant, so lost, so grey. My face looks sharper. My legs ache, my blood sugars are high. I'm scared of taking much insulin incase i gain, i haven't been able to manage more than a few units at a time recently, and those doeses are far and inbetween.

Silent.

Distant.

Breaking.

What if i can never escape?