I've just got back from walking in the freezing cold to the supermarket, to buy binge food and use their toilets to rid myself of dinner.

This shame is too much. I am branded, all over, with disgust.

I saw myself in car headlights, in the windows of shops as i passed, through the eyes of shady figures wandering across the park. The stars lit a dark sky above me, but i just looked down, down and away.

Desperation.

As i went to pay i found sweet wrappers in my pocket. Fumbling with numb embarrassment trying to find the right coins, i just wanted to dissolve into the ground. The cashier was younger than me, i think she used to go to my old school, in the year below. Made up with mascara tinted lashes and a shine of gloss, so pretty. What she must have thought of me - a mess, hair pulled back unbrushed, exposing bald patches, dirty.

On the way home, i passed three girls, all with shiny hair, laughing and talking on their way somewhere. A wave of intense sadness washed over me. Saturating me whole, near to tears, useless tears. What have i become? I started searching the black ground for twinkles, a shard of shattered glass, a smashed bottle thrown from the hands of a drunk. Yearning for a crystalised edge, yearning to bleed. I found nothing, but the urge is still here with me.

I am not doing very well at the moment.
Depressed,
anxious,
alone.

I am just in the way. I shouldn't be here. I am a liar and a failure. I am the defination of pathetic and it's all. My. Fault.

I didn't go to college today again, or to a English Literature trip to London on Thursday. I felt too exhausted, stomach churning with the affect of laxatives and wretching from the excess of ketones, poison through my veins. I have dropped to my lowest weight, reached the point i have been striving to for so long. It makes no difference, but i think i've always known that. I am still too big. I will never be small enough.

Mum just told me i smell of vomit. She knows what i've done. I denied it. I am terrible.

Now i have all this food, and it's already 10.30pm but i know what comes next, Half of me wants to just ignore it and try to sleep, but i know that as soon as my head hits the pillow the tick tock of venom will start. Taunting me, luring a force with no defence, I can't switch it off, not until i give in, stuff something into my mouth to dim the sound.

It really hurts. Isn't this pain enough already? I don't know. It won't ever change. I just don't know what i am doing.