I've been crying alot tonight, arguments at home, about food as usual. Many insults have been thrown towards me, by the angry voice of my mother, but i'd never blame her. She just wants a normal daughter.

I'm washed out and drowsy, from tears and lack of sleep. Worn out from a sleepover last night, so much pretending, hiding bones and inner scars. Cooked Pizza, pringles, mini chocolate bars, a breakfast this morning of croissants and pancakes, all turned down with a gentle 'no thankyou'. How will i ever be able to do it?

I should be writing essays, but thinking straight is impossible at the moment.

I just purged a roast dinner, sat on my own eating it at the table, disgusted by my hunger. Then excused myself to the bath, relieved to avoid confrontation. Programmed to the same routine, knowing what is to come, the white spots and dizzy spells. A glimpse of a white face in the mirror, an unknown face. Now i'm drinking a cup of tea, which won't stay down either. Necessary to bring up any remaining pieces of sweetcorn.

Nearly Christmas and i'm worrying non-stop. About the presents i've bought people, the festive spirit that require a perfectly painted smile, and mostly the meal, the food, too many watching eyes, not enough chances to sneak away. I have a feeling my blood sugars are going to be running very high all the way through, i can't risk it, i can't gain weight.

I'm sorry this entry is so vague and all over the place. I need some proper sleep. Just wanted to let you all know i'm still alive.