I feel so blank, numb. How many times have i said that before? Heh.

I've finished college for Christmas, crashing down from an overload of exhuastion, i slept alot last night and this afternoon but i still feel incredibley tired. The early mornings, frequent assignments, smiles, work and more work, all of it has been so difficult. Pulling together strands of concentration, trying to focus, push the other thoughts away. I'll set aside a few hours to finish and essay but that time is always certain to be interspersed with the eating, throwing up and staring across the room with daydream. I'm amazed to have made it through a whole term with good grades and praise from several of my teachers. Don't ask me how, i have no idea, i was expecting to fall at the first hurdle.

Yesterday, lessons finished early and the bus was supposed to arrive at 12.55, but it was half an hour late. We had to stand out in the cold and wind waiting for it, and i was frozen. Completely frozen, chills knawing through crumbling bones, ice setting under skin. I actually started to cry, because it hurt inside, really hurt.

My mother just commented on my shoulder blades that are apparently visibly sticking out the back of my dressing gown. I'm already undressed and ready for bed as usual.

Weight is still hovering over my lowest mark, hasn't gone up but also not far down. My body is reacting violently. I have frequent stabbing pains in my chest, headaches, and each time i purge i start to shake all over. I have to press my soles to the floor so to steady my legs from moving so much, reaching out to lean against the bathroom wall, hands jittering, heart racing. I can't hold my head up, it's like my neck cannot handle the weight of it. I know it sounds insane, but i've noticed how i'm always looking down, it's too much effort, too much physical strain to look up. My posture is terrible.

I don't know if i'm entirely empty, of the Indian meal we had for dinner, followed by two packs of biscuits i secretly binged on in my room afterwards. I'm just too shattered to rinse through again. My high sugars will take care of any possible remains, pieces of korma chicken or grains of rice.

I hate that this is always about me. I must sound so selfish.

Please don't worry if my posts are wide apart at the moment. I am still here. I think, somewhere in here.